All of this has happened once
And will happen again
And so, you see, it’s best to be
An enemy AND a friend.
Previously on PZ: The Divide
All of this has happened once
And will happen again
And so, you see, it’s best to be
An enemy AND a friend.
Date: October 12th, 2021 4:09 AM
Previously on PZ: Just Another Living Goddess
Date: October 8th, 2021 8:15 PM
Previously on PZ: A New Place To Call Home
Date: October 6th, 2021 7:45 AM
Previously on PZ: Deep Thoughts: Big Universe, Little Universe
So it looks like I'll be moving into the fourth bedroom of Josh's new house in the next couple of months, and I am hugely excited!! The room is small, but the place has a garage he said I can use and perhaps most important of all it has a huge back yard with two gardens and two levels. To me, it's a perfect fit. I think Medusa will be very happy with the back yard and all of the people in the house for her to hang out with (Dak from my previous job and Ced from my current job also live there, hooray!!). I am so stoked for this change in my life.
I know I will miss Billygoat and Lucykins, so I am glad they will only be 30 minutes away, as opposed to the potential 3 hours when I was considering moving to Trinidad (that's on the table for later down the line). I really hope I remain a good friend to Billy and actually visit him and have him over for dinner and stuff. Just because I want to live in this new place doesn't mean I want to grow distant. I'm already so horribly good at growing distant with friends, I don't want that to happen with me and Billygoat. Only time will tell.
I really am excited at the prospect of gardening, sipping coffee on the porch, and playing with Medusa in the back yard. I'd love to plant some flowers, herbs and vegetables, and maybe even a couple of fruit trees. I want to put up bird feeders and wind chimes and a jolly roger flag. I want to cook in a clean, uncluttered kitchen and set up my art studio in the garage. And I'll definitely need to have some wild sex to christen my new bedroom.
Date: October 2nd, 2021 10:15 PM
Previously on PZ: Celestial Pearl: The Moneyless Dream Enterprise
I'm writing an essay called "The Essence Of God", and I'm trying to piece my thoughts together. I made the visual diagram above to help me define the undefined. BB stands for Big Bang.
Date: September 13th, 2021 1:13 AM
Previously on PZ: Loneliness, Pain, and Reincarnation
I want to build something COLOSSAL within my lifetime. I'd love for Celestial Pearl Productions to become something like Disney one day— original characters and stories, films, shows, video games, books, theme parks, apparel, hotels, home decor, weddings, all over the world. But I know that companies like Disney came to be as expansive as they are because they are businesses and as such money is their primary concern. It is because of money and their focus upon generating it using things such as I've listed above, that is the engine of their success as human enterprises. And while I do concede that money is inherently neither good nor evil, I do feel that money has become a thing of evil influence in human society. I don't really want my enterprise to be a business because generating money is really not my primary concern. I actually think money should be abolished. I want my enterprise to be a creative studio that focuses on providing high quality content, products & services FOR EVERYONE to enjoy, not just rich people. I don't want money to be the focus of my company because I think of money as dirty the same way some people believe pornography is dirty. I think money is dirty because of its recent history of mining from the mountains of human suffering— by recent I mean the past 5,000 years or so of humanity's short history on Earth.
If money is not a suitable medium by which I can build my ambitious dreams, then what is a suitable replacement? I haven't quite figured that out yet because following my burning passions has been more than just a recurring dream, it is also a way to keep the nightmares at bay. Everybody has skeletons in their closets, their own personal demons, and I am no exception to this. I am haunted by the past, too. Celestial Pearl Productions, in whatever ultimate future form it may take, will always be to me like my own child— I care for it, I nurture it, I guide it, I watch it grow, I see both the visible and invisible growth of it, I put my life into it, I put my soul into it, and I will always be there for it for as long as I last, after which point it will be up to the company to decide whether or not to go on without me. I hold Celestial Pearl in my heart every single day. It is a symbol to me, of success— I don't think I'd still be here if it weren't for this dream project giving me something to believe in. It will always be a colossal part of my life, whether it becomes successful in the eyes of the world or not. In that respect, perhaps I've already built something colossal within my lifetime. Like Martin Luther King said, I have a dream. And the dream is giving me life. Who can build something more perfect and amazing than their own life?
Date: September 5th, 2021 9 PM
Previously on PZ: Cosmic Work and Human Money
In reading the Sailor Moon mangas, especially the last one (Act 60), I have to wonder why Usagi felt so lonely despite having so many strong friendships with other women AND an incredible romance story with a man who truly loves her.
So why did she still feel lonely and in pain?
This is more than just a part of a plot design for a fictional story, this is a fictional story perfectly illustrating a fact of life. Why is it that no matter how successful we become, we are still plagued by our loneliness? Is it because every particle of the Universe contains the potential for both good and evil? Is it because existence itself is the interplay of opposites? I think these thoughts are the first steps in the right direction.
Knowing that our loneliness and pain will always be with us, what can we do to live our best lives while we're alive? Somehow, I was inspired to revisit the biblical book of Ecclesiastes, where there is a peculiar truth written there: All that is happening has happened before, and all that is happening will happen again. This point was made in Sailor Moon as well— another example of a fictional story illustrating a fact of life. I know this point has been made in other fictional stories as well, the foremost example in my mind being BattleStar Galactica. It is entirely possible that the malaise-like loneliness and pain that we collectively feel is a result of the many lifetimes we have already lived within this Universe. As it is easy for humans to become jaded over their lifetime, so I imagine the Universe becomes jaded over its own lifetime. The cosmos can be quite a violent, or at least very turbulent, place to live in, after all. Even if we don't remember the details of all of our lives, the feelings of them remain with us lifetime after lifetime.
Perhaps this is why new beginnings are so important and so magickal: if we aree able to truly lay the past to rest, we can enjoy a future unclouded by all of the baggage accumulated over so many cosmic experiences. And if we cannot lay the past to rest today, there will always be another opportunity to lay it to rest tomorrow. The advantage of repeating things over and over again is that next time new choices can be made which will inform our future. We may always live with an amount of loneliness and pain, but both of them will always drive us to alleviate them by seeking companionship and pleasure. This contrast and this potential for conflict is what makes existence possible. As electricity flows from one charge to another, making all kinds of wonderful and all kinds of horrible things possible, energy that flows between loneliness and companionship, between pain and pleasure, makes all kinds of wonderful and all kinds of horrible experiences possible. The Universe is all of these things, and more.
Perhaps loneliness and pain are meant to be with us because they drive us towards greater things. Thirst and hunger originally drive the desire for good food that eventually becomes the art form that is the culinary arts. Perhaps pain and loneliness drive our desire for good experiences that eventually becomes the art form that is our life.
Date: September 5th, 2021 12:40 AM
Previously on PZ: There Never Is A Time When We Don't Exist
I don't really know how to characterize my work in this world. The modern view of work is that it is something done for money, something which is required everywhere one goes and dispersed by a select few who happen to possess it in massive quantities. This process is meant to be above reproach and criticism: do not ask why money is ubiquitously required, do not ask how those few came to possess so much money, do not pay any attention to the man behind the curtain. But those of us who have to know HAVE to peer behind the curtain, and we have to tell others what we saw there if we are to bear any responsibility towards the truth of things. My work is to know everything, a demanding, evolving, and thankless job. But I don't do it for money— in fact, I cannot do this job for money, it just won't work like that. I work at corporations for money. I investigate the truth for comfort. I am a deeply uncomfortable person when placed within other peoples' worlds— but knowing everybody inhabits my own world feels great, natural even. There is a Greater Reality which we all inhabit, and that is what I consider my world. And yet while I know that my life could be greatly enhanced by money, the idea of working for it feels intensely unpalatable these days. It's not really money I want, anyways— I want to live in a world without a need for human laws, and that will require a world with significantly less humans in it. While I could conceivably make enough money to sequester myself away from human beings into a lovely and comfortable abode, that isn't ultimately the reality I really want. The world is my home, and I want to feel comfortable throughout the entirety of it. No amount of money is going to offer me that kind of reality because the reality I want to escape now was made corrupt via money itself. But what will offer me that kind of reality? Well, that's a secret I'm not about to go into. But I know that extraordinary things are quite possible, and that my work in this world is to make them more probable.
Date: August 31st, 2021 7:13 AM
Previously on PZ: Always Something New
If we insist upon only seeing the world through the perspective of this meatsuit we call a physical human body, then it is true that our tiny perspective of the universe will cease to exist for us when we die.
If any traces of our consciousness remains, it will be floating forever through an endless void, because our Consciousness (notice the capital C) has moved on.
That particular life of ours, once over, has contributed massively to the memory of universal consciousness and will always remain crystallized as it was in spacetime.
There is nothing to worry about, though, because our immortal Consciousness will have already begun our next life.
Our universe would never be the same if it weren't for all the lives we've lived and will yet live.
Everything is okay, and if things aren't okay, then everything is going to be okay again one day... for the pendulum swingeth, my friend.
Date: August 21st, 2021 1 PM
Previously on PZ: August Thoughts
The time ticks by, and I try to make sure it is filled with moments that matter to me. The world outside me crumbles apart, and I try to find the silver lining I know will eventually peer through the storm clouds. It is madness out there! Everybody fighting over the latest hot topics— vaccination & mask-wearing, gender identity, cultural appropriation, Critical Race Theory being taught in schools, the January 6th Insurrection, & now the fall of Afghanistan to the Taliban upon Biden's removal of US troops. And there's more! There's always something new going on. Human beings endlessly fascinate me— we make our own problems, pass our flaws down through the generations, and then trip over ourselves blaming each other for things being as chaotic as they are. So I've turned back to drawing and painting as a way of escaping reality while still doing something productive. And I have been more productive lately. I'm realizing my drawing skills suck & need a lot of work, however my painting is rather good.
I quit Target and joined Josh at the Home Depot across the streets unloading the trucks & working freight overnights, and I really like it. I'm glad to be working nights again, and at HD I learned how to use the mechanical equipment right away... at Target they seemingly would only teach male employees how to use the machines, so much so that I would joke that I wasn't being taught because I didn't have a penis attached to my body. Although Target provided a useful discount & HD doesn't, I enjoy working at HD more than I did working for Target towards the end. And I have friends from Target also working there that I get to see & bullshit with all the time! Although everything has been technically going well for me the past few months, I find myself feeling drained and empty right now, and I know I've been keeping depression at arm's length for awhile. I admit I am bummed because, although I work a full-time job, it doesn't look like I make enough income to afford a one-bedroom or even a studio apartment with the rent prices soaring into the sky this year. Is now the perfect time for me to finally try van living, or should I be more grateful for the stability I've achieved in my living situation & stay put? I'm staying put for now, although needless to say my dreams have been dashed. I don't want to have to make more money, especially since a one-bedroom apartment feels like something that SHOULD be well within my reach. I really can't complain, though, because it's not like I'm in a bad situation and need to get out right away. I guess what I really need to do is work harder on Celestial Pearl Productions Limited, and do what it takes to become self-employed— another big dream of mine that, unfortunately, renders me dependent upon other people in order to come true.
Date: August 16th, 2021 7:45 AM
Previously on PZ: You Will See Me
I don't know what to do with myself I feel like everything I do doesn't matter, like nothing anyone does really matters, I wish I had a real family. I'm feeling sad about my life, I have nothing to show for all of my passion, none of it all matters. I have everything I wanted as a teenager, but compared to everyone successful in this world I have next to nothing and I am no one. But I am glad for what I do have, I cannot be ungrateful for all the blessings I do own. I just do not know what is wrong with me. I am so restless, yet I stay in one place; I dream of going outside on lavish adventures but I don't want to leave the house because I don't want to face or connect with the people of this world; I don't even want to find them in my beloved mountain forests, so I do not venture out into them. I feel sad. I know this feeling is unhealthy, but... sometimes you have to embrace the rubber band, because the farther back it pulls you, the farther you may have yet to go, something like that I read on the Internet today. Maybe this isn't all for nought. Maybe I do just need to patiently continue with my work and stop allowing myself to feel sad about things that don't matter. I need to stop comparing myself to others. I find myself deeply inspired, yet also envious of other artists' abilities, and then I don't even want to try to make my own artwork because I know it's going to look so rough in the beginning, so unfinished and broken-looking and inadequate and unsatisfying, just like me, and I cannot stand the feeling of embarrassment it gives me. Whoa, I just learned something about myself.
Date: November 29th, 2020 2:15 AM
Previously on PZ: Poverty Of Two Kinds
I do not belong in this world.
I will have no descendants, no heirs to carry forward My memory.
I have only My written words to speak My legacy, to carry forward My truth.
I do not have a friend in government, nor does the governance of humans hold any meaning for Me.
I know no kings or queens, and I will not know them, because they hold no meaning for Me.
I will form no alliance of marriage throughout My entire life— I will remain as evasive and mysterious as the Doe.
I will form no formal occupation for the love of money, because the very best things in life are utterly free.
There will be no currency left in My account when I die.
All of My unsold artwork will burn with Me.
The choice will always be Mine to move forward against tradition,
If every ending is only a beginning, then You will see Me again soon.
Date: November 26th, 2020 2:10 AM
Previously on PZ: Supply And Demand