A very long time ago— far, far longer than either of us can reasonably fathom, that’s for certain— our physical universe burst forth into being, and thus a new God was born with what we call The Big Bang. Before this divine body became manifest, there was only the Tao: the eternal source of all Gods. Our logic as we know it now cannot explain, describe, or even fathom It, as It is ineffably undefinable. Even now, the Tao remains, and always will remain, for a very, very, VERY long time after the body of God that our physical universe is crumbles within the hands of cosmic death.

what would I be like if I was the ultra-intelligent version of myself?:

I myself would be thrilled, but I doubt the people around me would be, because I'd be a know-it-all. I would go through life so much more confidently if I knew HOW to navigate the world in such a way. Ultra-intelligent me wouldn't be so afraid of the world or of other people, so I'd be a lot healthier & happier in general.

what would I be like if I just did whatever I wanted without any thought of the consequences?

I would be happy as shit, but I also doubt the people around me would be thrilled about me just doing & saying whatever I wanted, even if it does fall within the range of acceptable human behavior. If I just did whatever I want without thinking of the consequences, I would do SO MANY MORE THINGS with my life than I do. Unfortunately, I constantly overthink & do nothing as a result instead. But at least I'm staying out of trouble, right?

what would I be like if I were what I consider perfect?

I can only dream about this version of myself. She is a dream girl, a one-of-a-kind version of me that lives in some galaxy very far, far away a very long, long time from now. But if I were her? I would hope I was genuinely happy with my charmed life. I'd like to think I would be very gracious, calm, compassionate, amiable, elegant, the kind of person everyone adores and who lights up a room wherever she goes.

what would I be like if I fell in love & never fell out of it again?

Having achieved the supreme stability that is true love, I think it would be much easier for me to be the perfect self I described in the answer to the previous question. In this circumstance I would absolutely throw myself into the love I found myself enveloped within, and I doubt I would ever look back to the days before I fell in love, because I would only be thinking of the future... my future living in love.

what would I be like if I had everything my heart ever desired accessible to me within an instant?

A massive weight would be lifted off from me and I would instantly be at peace with the world, knowing that I could truly count on it when I needed it. I would then spend the rest of my life enjoying those new things, or at least enjoying them until I get bored and desire new things. But that massive weight off of my shoulders would be a significant milestone in my life that I would never forget for as long as I live.

what would I be like if I wasn't afraid of what other people think or may think about me?

I would be much more talkative and friendly and probably also belligerent depending upon the people. But I would definitely speak up more and enjoy debate if this were the case. On the other hand, I may also get more quiet with certain people if I do not wish to hear their expressions, regardless of what they think of me.

what would I be like if I knew I really was the Universe's favorite human ever?

I would be so unbelievably happy, confident, and successful if this were the case. This is one of those dreams that feel too good to ever be true, but if I really were to believe this... my life would be so, so different, in such a good way. It would be like living in Heaven.

what would I be like if I chose to go down a really dark path just because?

In this case I think that a large part of me that I tend to keep buried very deeply would be very happy with me making such a decision. That part of me, after having been denied for many years, would suddenly find itself feeling satisfied, empowered, and incredibly eager for life experience. I would be such a scary person, I'd even scare myself. If I chose to go down a really dark path just for the hell of it, I would probably become very sombre, quiet, calculating, manipulative, ambitious, sadistic, uncaring, aggressive and belligerent.

what would I be like if I lived only for others, and also if I lived only for myself?

If I lived only for others, I would be a very compassionate, soft, friendly, masochistic, and extremely social, traveling the country to help those in need. Despite this I would still be a force to be reckoned with, as I would undoubtedly have to navigate dangerous social landscapes at times. If I lived only for myself I would be very aloof, selfish, occasionally rude and/or aggressive, indifferent to the plights of others, devoted to hedonism, and I would probably have a lot more money then, too. In both scenarios I would probably still be depressed, as well.

what would I be like if I were born into a different family?

The answer to this question would obviously depend upon the family I found myself born into, but I'd like to think if I was born into a strong, happy & supportive family that I'd be a lot healthier, happier and more capable than I am now. I'd like to think I'd still be in contact with that family well into my adulthood. What a lovely dream, that will only remain a dream.

what would I be like if I knew the secrets of the Universe?

Well, then I would definitely become a teacher in this case. I would definitely become a know-it-all and probably fairly haughty, but all in the spirit of educating people on the truth to the best of my ability. The other possibility is that I go mad & wander off alone into the wilderness, but let's go with that first option instead.

what would I be like if I remembered every lifetime that I have lived before?

In this case I'd probably become a know-it-all, but I imagine I'd also be pretty laid back & pleasure-seeking. With that much life experience memory available to me, I'd probably become rather courageous and do all sorts of wonderful things I wouldn't otherwise do without that courage. The other possibility is that I go mad & wander off alone into the wilderness, but let's go with that first option instead.

what would I be like if I had everything figured out?

Wouldn't I like to know. Well, I'd probably be a lot more strategic and disciplined with my life if I had everything figured out... or there's the very real possibility of me still being too lazy to carry out any plans or apply any knowledge I had figured out. But I'd like to think that having everything figured out would motivate me to greatness more than anything else.

what would I be like if I learned to leave things behind in pursuit of new experiences?

I would probably be on the move all the time in this case. I honestly would probably pursue the van-dwelling lifestyle I have dreamed about for years, because I would always be on the hunt for newer, grander experiences, and that's the only way I'd be able to travel with my income level.

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what would I be like if I was the ultra-intelligent version of myself?

what would I be like if I just did whatever I wanted without any thought of the consequences?

what would I be like if I were what I consider perfect?

what would I be like if I fell in love & never fell out of it again?

what would I be like if I had everything my heart ever desired accessible to me within an instant?

what would I be like if I wasn't afraid of what other people think or may think about me?

what would I be like if I knew I really was the Universe's favorite human ever?

what would I be like if I chose to go down a really dark path just because?

what would I be like if I lived only for others, and also if I lived only for myself?

what would I be like if I were born into a different family?

what would I be like if I knew the secrets of the Universe?

what would I be like if I remembered every lifetime that I have lived before?

what would I be like if I had everything figured out?

what would I be like if I learned to leave things behind in pursuit of new experiences?

I designed Celestial Pearl Productions to be like me: in the world, but not of the world. I didn't want this enterprise, which is devoted to the recognition & understanding of Truth, to be overshadowed by any particular dogma-- religious, political, philosophical, or secular. Taking the totality of being into consideration is very important to me, and I don't want these considerations to be limited in any way by others, lest my search for wisdom be spoiled. I have no formal funding for my scholarship-- it's a labor of love and curiosity, funded entirely by my own paychecks. I very much enjoy reading, so performing lots of research and owning lots of books comes rather naturally to me. Doing so keeps me sane in this crazy world. I try to take everything I encounter with that proverbial grain of salt, remembering that everything we see and seem could be a dream within a dream. According to Occam's Razor I try to approach life with only a single assumption: "Anything's Possible", or "Anything Goes". Whenever I perform research I always consider where all of the information I'm taking in is coming from: professional news organizations, peer-reviewed journals, opinionated social media posts & comments of unhappy laypeople, my own personal real-life experience... there are endless places where information comes from, and I try to take it all into account even as I zoom in and focus on the details of our world's story one piece at a time. Even information from the darkest and most obscure corners of our world are immensely useful to us in our quest to understand it, and that's why I'll always be interested in ALL of the stories rather than being content with knowing just a few of them.

I feel that being a good scholar means being aware of ALL the voices, including the ones spreading false information. Because while the information may be false, what IS true is that the falsehoods are being spread by SOMEONE and more people than we would like to admit are happy to gobble it all up. I need to understand why this is so. I not only need to know what the facts actually are, I need to know what other people believe the facts are-- because ultimately, I do not live in a bubble, and the facts or non-facts that other people believe will always affect me in some way, shape or form. Jesus Christ may not have walked on water, but his followers BELIEVE he did, and that belief informs all sorts of things from the way people vote to the way they raise their kids to the way they conduct their business and the way they approach other populations.

I've been reading more ancient texts besides just the christian bible in recent years; a large book of gnostic resources sits upon my shelf, I've been graced by the Tao Te Ching in both literary and audible formats, the Zohar and several more ancient texts are currently saved for later in my Amazon cart awaiting eventual purchase. Why bother reading so many different texts? Because I believe there are cores of truth hiding in every corner and on every level of our Multiverse; in all the brightest and the darkest and the bleakest of places, there is always an opportunity for one to get to know It better. Additionally, knowing how other people have and continue to speak of their knowledge of the Divine helps me understand how to craft my own language when speaking of my own knowledge of Divinity. In my hopes to be understood by other people (a selfish & rather foolish desire, I know), it certainly helps to know what language people are already familiar with when expressing my own ideas to them.

Why IS the Truth so important to me? It's important to me that I am capable of discerning the differences between reality and fantasy, between truth and lies, because I personally cannot afford to be fooled by anyone ever again, for any reason at all. If I cannot tell the difference between someone telling me the truth and someone telling me a lie, then I have no basis for understanding anything about this world I've found myself within, and I might as well be a slave to someone else's understanding of the world. I might as well go mad & be locked up in an oubliette somewhere. I CANNOT afford to allow either of those things to happen. I NEED to remain the most dominant force in my own life, I NEED to remain as free as possible from the influences of others, and I can only do that with an accurate basis of understanding of information & how it affects me. I can only do that if I know the Truth.

It cannot be bought, and it cannot be given. It can only be recognized and understood via life experience.

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The past couple months have been difficult. Things are still difficult, but have improved. I hate that I still very much miss him and as much as I try not to, I still think of him. The old him, the one I fell in love with, not the new shitheaded him. But I'm taking things one day at a time, and I'm not planning for the future anymore. Whatever happens, happens, and it evidently happens regardless of what I do. So I just spend my free time doing things that bring me whatever enjoyment I can get out of this world: reading manga, tinkering on the computer, listening to blues music, playing videogames, spending time with Medusa, sleeping, daydreaming about living in a universe that actually makes me happy, things like that. Life feels very different now that another veil has been lifted & now that I know I will never fall in love again. I'm not even interested in friendship anymore, either. I stopped taking my antidepressants after the breakup, but I'll be resuming that regimen again soon because as much as I loathe the idea of being drugged up for the rest of my life on a substance I can't grow for the sake of fitting into society, everyday life is just too unbearable without those chemicals in my brain (and besides, I'll have to take bloodthinners for the rest of my life too, so I might as well get used to chemical dependency anyways). I have no idea what the future will hold, but I am certain I will never fully trust anything good that happens ever again. I've heard that someone said that it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but honestly in my experience I feel like both of those outcomes are equally terrible in their own respective ways. We're in the age of Kali Yuga, and I feel it very deeply. I will respond accordingly.

What a fucking MOOD.
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i fucking hate this.

it wasn't supposed to end like this.

...but it did, and now my outlook on life reflects that.

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Some truths can only be spoken in certain ways.
Some truths appear as dreams, for only a moment. We have to remember them.
Some truths are hidden in darkness, though they exist. We have to search for them.
Some truths are plain to see all of the time. We have to respect their presence.

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Looking back on the things I was writing before The Breakup, it's hard for me to feel safe getting excited over anything anymore. I was so excited about spending my life with Josh, and look where it landed me. I was able to land on my feet, thankfully, but it made the fall from grace no less striking. The house is so empty without him. Everyday life is so empty without him. But I have to move on. For future Me's sake, I have to keep moving forward, no matter how slowly, no matter how meaningless it feels. But what does "moving forward" mean for me now, mentally and emotionally? What can I possibly rely upon now (in the outside world)? I'm not sure if this is healing or just a sad surrender to reality. I think I'm moving on, I mean I'm moving my things into storage pretty easily, but moving on socially is going to take time. I don't want to be with anyone anymore. Things blowing up with Josh has shown me that relationships with other people aren't worthwhile after all, that you can't trust your happy feelings, and that it is better to direct that love towards yourself rather than anyone else. I don't actually know what the hell to do with myself anymore. I'm just living day by day now. I can't expect anything anymore. This is what moving on feels like? It feels more like I'm stuck in a moving quagmire, like a river of sand. The whole wide world feels like a potential nightmare, except for the pretty dreamy parts visible on Instagram. I can't tell what is important anymore. It feels like I am disassociating from reality because embracing it hurts too damn much. It feels like there is nothing to move onto. All my hopes and dreams seem so silly now. I shouldn't have shared them with Josh. I shouldn't have shared them with anyone, except my own damn blog. I feel like I am in limbo now: not ready to kill myself, but also not concerned lest I die. I guess I'll channel this feeling into artwork or whatever. And then one day I'll die and practically no one will care about it, and my ideas will die with me because no one cared about them while I was alive. But for now, I suppose I will go find something that brings me some small modicum of happiness, just to get me through the night. Until that moment that I remember how Joshua dumped me and I feel deep sadness all over again, I'll try to remain oblivious to my own pain so that there might be room for some joy to be had, should I find any.

When I look back over our relationship, it is painful to admit how naive I actually was. I really thought we’d both spend the future together, I really thought I had found the person I was looking for in a partner. I turned out to be so wrong, so all of those times I thought I had things figured out were actually wrong too. I should never believe I have things figured out, even when they seem so certain, even when I’d really, really like to believe I’ve got things figured out, I should always remember that life will always figure things out for me. What Josh and I had was fake— it MUST have been fake, because that’s why it didn’t last. It felt real, but it wasn’t, & ultimately we found that out. No amount of sorrow can undo reality: we were and are not meant to be together. I should have kept my feelings about him to myself. I’m right back in the place I was right before I confessed my feelings to Josh— albeit in a better place now than I was before, so perhaps THAT is the ultimate reason for going through this heartbreaking ordeal. If that is so, then I guess I can understand why it happened, although it still hurts like hell. The truth is, I miss him. I miss the happy, life-loving Josh. In a way he was more of D.’s boyfriend than mine, bc he did all kinds of stuff with her. Stuff he barely did with me. I miss that Josh so goddamn much. But he’s become someone else, someone obsessed with making money, and THEN he’ll allow himself to have a good time again. I just couldn’t handle it. I just wanted to have a good time with him in the now. I wanted to go on more dates, more hikes, more trips to the zoo. I wanted him to be my Pearlian manager, goddamnit. I wanted to marry him one day. Everything I hoped for is in ruins now. What am I to do with myself now that my future once again doesn’t have him in it? How will I ever hope for anything good to happen ever again? How can I ever trust the good things that do happen ever again? I still can’t believe everything we’ve been working toward together crumbled apart so easily. What a house of cards our relationship was, and I thought it was a mountain all the way up until the moment the tower of cards collapsed, when I was forced to see the truth. Why is the truth always so painful? It emancipates us, yet in doing so we are forced to realize that we were not free before the emancipation, and naturally we wonder what sorts of invisible shackles of lies continue to plague us unawares.

I suppose it's not as bad as it could be. Yes, I am heartbroken and yes, reality feels hollow of meaning, but I don't feel an overwhelming urge to actually kill myself to end the pain. I guess I'm kind of numbed out, but it seems like something I should be thankful for, so I am am thankful for it. I'm no longer convinced that death is an escape route, bc it seems very likely to me that the moment of actual death is what determines where one ends up in the next lifetime. So it would not do for me to kill myself out of grief, since the grief would likely just carry onwards into a new lifetime. I still don't know what to do with myself in general, so I keep doing what I've been doing: going to work, coming home to the little dog, sleeping, playing videogames here and there, listening to music, etc. I've also been packing up my shit to go into the storage unit. I feel so much better, actually, knowing that my things are all together in a secure location & I don't have to move them around over and over again as I move around. Closer to the end of the month, I'll get myself a mailbox for the same reasons. Even though life seems hollow, I do have my wits about me, and I am able to act rationally. I feel that getting a storage unit and a mailbox are really smart decisions. With my belongings and my mail taken care of, all I have to worry about then is where Medusa and I will be staying on a daily basis, and with this new lease I signed with Billy, my living costs really won't be going up much, which is nice. Medusa and I will be safe, and she will have Lucy to play with, which will make her happy. Those two little girls really do love each other like sisters. This is a good situation within which I can mend my broken heart. It'll be a new start for me and Medusa, and one blessed with familiar, trustworthy faces, Billy and Lucy. Maybe that's why I'm not feeling as low as I know I could be, because I know in spite of this breakup I am still blessed, and for that I am truly grateful. Now I can focus on healing myself from the sadness, anger, resentfulness and loneliness that I feel over this breakup, for all of them are still quite raw and visceral within me.

Medusa bridge, Lucy river

I knew that March this year was an astrologically charged month from the beginning of it... but I was NOT expecting it to turn out like it did! March was an emotional rollercoaster! A reality flip! A baseball bat to the ole kneecaps! The defining moment of the month would definitely have to be the sudden Breakup with Josh on the Ides Of March, of all dates. Because of this, I've decided to move back in with my brother, but this time in a new apartment. Instead of me living in Castle Rock with Josh like we had planned, I'll be living with Billygoat and Lucy on the outskirts of Denver once again. We already signed a lease a few days ago, and our move-in date is April 15th (JFC, what's with all these 15's?!). After The Breakup occurred I got myself a storage unit near my place of work and have already moved a lot of important things into it. Besides these, the best thing going for me right now is my job— the new position in the Fragrance department is going really well, although there's still lots of room for improvement on my part. Lately I've just been working, painting, and sleeping the days away. There's not much to look forward to anymore, so I'm living in the moment. I've just been sitting alone with my loneliness because people make me feel even more lonely. I am now entirely focused upon healing my broken heart and psychoanalyzing my current position in life.

Perfumes I've Worn This Month: Chanel Coco Mademoiselle Eau De Parfum Intense, Tiffany & Co. Rose Gold, Carolina Hererra Good Girl Blush, Dior J'Adore Parfum D'Eau, Marc Jacobs Daisy, Chloe Rose Naturelle Intense

Things I've Enjoyed This Month: AI fantasy & pinup art, Sakimi-Chan's YouTube tutorials, browsing all the beauteous things on Instagram, sad piano music, Italian Creme Cake, plans coming together, blueberry lemonade mixed with spiced rum, bubble tea, cute clearance earrings, free lipsticks, organic dates, buttered popcorn, fresh pizza, chicken curry, mushroom ravioli, compliments from strangers, brainstorming for the future

Weekly Submission: March 19th-26th 2023

I painted this right after The Breakup because, well, it's how I feel. And I refuse to allow myself to be sorry for how I feel anymore. ♥

Weekly Submission: March 5th-12th 2023

This particular week's piece was inspired by two sources: Rappaccini's Daughter, a short story by Nathaniel Hawthorne as well as Poison, a song by Alice Cooper. She basically turned out to be Beauty from my Beauty And The Black Beast story/universe. I'm quite proud of her, although she could definitely use a couple more levels of refinement. But yanno... new week, new picture. I have to move on now and be quicker next time.

Weekly Submission: March 12th-19th 2023

It's Friday, but I'm no longer in love.

The Breakup occurred about a week ago on the Ides Of March.

He left a large hole that he filled within me (and Im not talking about my vagina).

In a nutshell, I no longer fit into his financial vision, and therefore I can no longer fit into his life.

His work was getting the best of him and I was not, and the moment I pointed this out everything changed.

He said, "our values don't align like I thought they did" and dumped me like a hot potato.

What he already had, wasn't enough for him... but it was enough for me.

I told him our relationship was still alive and worth fighting for. He told me that our relationship was dead and cut it off at the root.

I am reeling. I feel so, so sad, so upset, so shocked.

I just can't believe this is happening.

I can't believe our entire yearlong relationship decayed over the course of a few hours.

It's been radio silence between us for days.

It wasn't supposed to end up like this.

The future is feeling very bleak despite being full of potential.

There is no one for me to love now. It's just me and Medusa.

"Daddy's not coming home" I tell her whenever she perks up thinking he's pulled into the driveway.

And it's true. He's not coming home to us, ever again.

I have no idea what life is like for him now, but for me life feels empty, melancholy, and anxious.

Was our relationship just fake, since it could be thrown away so easily?

He's not the same man I confessed my feelings to back in November 2021.

The old him would spend time with me (and Medusa) and not feel guilty about it as if he should have been working instead of enjoying us in the moment.

I miss the old him so, so much. I never would have thought he would one day end up breaking my heart... but shit happens.

I feel so sad.

Weekly Submission: February 12th-19th 2023

Introducing Bleu, a character I created way back in high school who will always have a special place in my heart. Nowadays she's an important character in Anjie's Fantastic Universe, and I just had to draw her again. Pretty Blue is an alien sentient sports car who finds the perfect mistress in Bleu Rosa, a beautiful young woman with blue hair and big dreams living in the bustling space metropolis Auda City, who nevertheless is down on her luck due to being firmly under the local mob's thumb. Her luck begins to change as they win races together and Bleu becomes wildly successful, attracting a lot of enemies and eventually racing to save the galaxy itself! This Weekly Submission was more like a "week and a half" submission, but I am very pleased with how it turned out even if I was unable to finish it within seven days. Below is another weekly submission from last November that I never posted because I didn't finish it within a week either, but I'm nevertheless proud of it as well. It is painfully obvious that I am terrible at drawing cars, which is something I'd like to work on because hot girls and hot cars are both a winning combination and compelling subject material for me to paint. Plus cars convey a sense of movement that is usually missing from my artwork.

Weekly Submission: November 13th-20th 2022