Date: September 13th, 2021 1:13 AM
Previously on PZ: Loneliness, Pain, and Reincarnation
I want to build something COLOSSAL within my lifetime. I'd love for Celestial Pearl Productions to become something like Disney one day— original characters and stories, films, shows, video games,
books, theme parks, apparel, hotels, home decor, weddings, all over the world. But I know that companies like Disney came to be as expansive as they are because they are businesses and as such
money is their primary concern. It is because of money and their focus upon generating it using things such as I've listed above, that is the engine of their success as human enterprises. And while I
do concede that money is inherently neither good nor evil, I do feel that money has become a thing of evil influence in human society. I don't really want my enterprise to be a business because
generating money is really not my primary concern. I actually think money should be abolished. I want my enterprise to be a creative studio that focuses on providing high quality content, products
& services FOR EVERYONE to enjoy, not just rich people. I don't want money to be the focus of my company because I think of money as dirty the same way some people believe pornography is dirty.
I think money is dirty because of its recent history of mining from the mountains of human suffering— by recent I mean the past 5,000 years or so of humanity's short history on Earth.
If money is not a suitable medium by which I can build my ambitious dreams, then what is a suitable replacement? I haven't quite figured that out yet because following my burning passions has been more than
just a recurring dream, it is also a way to keep the nightmares at bay. Everybody has skeletons in their closets, their own personal demons, and I am no exception to this. I am haunted by the past,
too. Celestial Pearl Productions, in whatever ultimate future form it may take, will always be to me like my own child— I care for it, I nurture it, I guide it, I watch it grow, I see both the visible and
invisible growth of it, I put my life into it, I put my soul into it, and I will always be there for it for as long as I last, after which point it will be up to the company to decide whether or not to go on
without me. I hold Celestial Pearl in my heart every single day. It is a symbol to me, of success— I don't think I'd still be here if it weren't for this dream project giving me something to believe in.
It will always be a colossal part of my life, whether it becomes successful in the eyes of the world or not. In that respect, perhaps I've already built something colossal within my lifetime. Like Martin
Luther King said, I have a dream. And the dream is giving me life. Who can build something more perfect and amazing than their own life?
Date: September 5th, 2021 9 PM
Previously on PZ: Cosmic Work and Human Money
In reading the Sailor Moon mangas, especially the last one (Act 60), I have to wonder why Usagi felt so lonely
despite having so many strong friendships with other women AND an incredible romance story with a man who truly loves her.
So why did she still feel lonely and in pain?
This is more than just a part of a plot design for a fictional story, this is a fictional story perfectly illustrating a fact of life. Why is it that no matter how successful
we become, we are still plagued by our loneliness? Is it because every particle of the Universe contains the potential for both good and evil? Is it because existence
itself is the interplay of opposites? I think these thoughts are the first steps in the right direction.
Knowing that our loneliness and pain will always be with us, what can we do to live our best lives while we're alive? Somehow, I was inspired to revisit the biblical
book of Ecclesiastes, where there is a peculiar truth written there: All that is happening has happened before, and all that is happening will happen again. This point
was made in Sailor Moon as well— another example of a fictional story illustrating a fact of life. I know this point has been made in other fictional stories as
well, the foremost example in my mind being BattleStar Galactica. It is entirely possible that the malaise-like loneliness and pain that we collectively feel is a result of
the many lifetimes we have already lived within this Universe. As it is easy for humans to become jaded over their lifetime, so I imagine the Universe becomes jaded
over its own lifetime. The cosmos can be quite a violent, or at least very turbulent, place to live in, after all. Even if we don't remember the details of all of our lives, the
feelings of them remain with us lifetime after lifetime.
Perhaps this is why new beginnings are so important and so magickal: if we aree able to truly lay the past to rest, we can enjoy a future unclouded by all of the
baggage accumulated over so many cosmic experiences. And if we cannot lay the past to rest today, there will always be another opportunity to lay it to rest tomorrow.
The advantage of repeating things over and over again is that next time new choices can be made which will inform our future. We may always live with an amount of
loneliness and pain, but both of them will always drive us to alleviate them by seeking companionship and pleasure. This contrast and this potential for conflict is what
makes existence possible. As electricity flows from one charge to another, making all kinds of wonderful and all kinds of horrible things possible, energy that flows
between loneliness and companionship, between pain and pleasure, makes all kinds of wonderful and all kinds of horrible experiences possible. The Universe is all
of these things, and more.
Perhaps loneliness and pain are meant to be with us because they drive us towards greater things. Thirst and hunger originally drive the desire for good food that
eventually becomes the art form that is the culinary arts. Perhaps pain and loneliness drive our desire for good experiences that eventually becomes the art form that
is our life.
Date: September 5th, 2021 12:40 AM
Previously on PZ: There Never Is A Time When We Don't Exist
I don't really know how to characterize my work in this world. The modern view of work is that it is something done for money, something which is required everywhere one goes and dispersed by
a select few who happen to possess it in massive quantities. This process is meant to be above reproach and criticism: do not ask why money is ubiquitously required, do not ask how those few came to
possess so much money, do not pay any attention to the man behind the curtain. But those of us who have to know HAVE to peer behind the curtain, and we have to tell others what we saw there if we
are to bear any responsibility towards the truth of things. My work is to know everything, a demanding, evolving, and thankless job. But I don't do it for money— in fact, I cannot do this job for money,
it just won't work like that. I work at corporations for money. I investigate the truth for comfort. I am a deeply uncomfortable person when placed within other peoples' worlds— but knowing everybody
inhabits my own world feels great, natural even. There is a Greater Reality which we all inhabit, and that is what I consider my world. And yet while I know that my life could be greatly enhanced by
money, the idea of working for it feels intensely unpalatable these days. It's not really money I want, anyways— I want to live in a world without a need for human laws, and that will require a world with
significantly less humans in it. While I could conceivably make enough money to sequester myself away from human beings into a lovely and comfortable abode, that isn't ultimately the reality I really
want. The world is my home, and I want to feel comfortable throughout the entirety of it. No amount of money is going to offer me that kind of reality because the reality I want to escape now was made
corrupt via money itself. But what will offer me that kind of reality? Well, that's a secret I'm not about to go into. But I know that extraordinary things are quite possible, and that my work in this world is
to make them more probable.
Date: August 31st, 2021 7:13 AM
Previously on PZ: Always Something New
If we insist upon only seeing the world through the perspective of this meatsuit we call a physical human body, then it is true that our tiny perspective of the universe will cease to exist for us when we die.
If any traces of our consciousness remains, it will be floating forever through an endless void, because our Consciousness (notice the capital C) has moved on.
That particular life of ours, once over, has contributed massively to the memory of universal consciousness and will always remain crystallized as it was in spacetime.
There is nothing to worry about, though, because our immortal Consciousness will have already begun our next life.
Our universe would never be the same if it weren't for all the lives we've lived and will yet live.
Everything is okay, and if things aren't okay, then everything is going to be okay again one day... for the pendulum swingeth, my friend.
Date: August 21st, 2021 1 PM
Previously on PZ: August Thoughts
The time ticks by, and I try to make sure it is filled with moments that matter to me. The world outside me crumbles apart, and I try to find the silver lining I know will eventually peer through the
storm clouds. It is madness out there! Everybody fighting over the latest hot topics— vaccination & mask-wearing, gender identity, cultural appropriation, Critical Race Theory being taught in schools, the
January 6th Insurrection, & now the fall of Afghanistan to the Taliban upon Biden's removal of US troops. And there's more! There's always something new going on. Human beings endlessly fascinate
me— we make our own problems, pass our flaws down through the generations, and then trip over ourselves blaming each other for things being as chaotic as they are. So I've turned back to drawing
and painting as a way of escaping reality while still doing something productive. And I have been more productive lately. I'm realizing my drawing skills suck & need a lot of work, however my painting
is rather good.
I quit Target and joined Josh at the Home Depot across the streets unloading the trucks & working freight overnights, and I really like it. I'm glad to be working nights again, and at HD I
learned how to use the mechanical equipment right away... at Target they seemingly would only teach male employees how to use the machines, so much so that I would joke that I wasn't being taught
because I didn't have a penis attached to my body. Although Target provided a useful discount & HD doesn't, I enjoy working at HD more than I did working for Target towards the end. And I have friends
from Target also working there that I get to see & bullshit with all the time! Although everything has been technically going well for me the past few months, I find myself feeling drained and empty right
now, and I know I've been keeping depression at arm's length for awhile. I admit I am bummed because, although I work a full-time job, it doesn't look like I make enough income to afford a one-bedroom
or even a studio apartment with the rent prices soaring into the sky this year. Is now the perfect time for me to finally try van living, or should I be more grateful for the stability I've achieved in my living
situation & stay put? I'm staying put for now, although needless to say my dreams have been dashed. I don't want to have to make more money, especially since a one-bedroom apartment feels like
something that SHOULD be well within my reach. I really can't complain, though, because it's not like I'm in a bad situation and need to get out right away. I guess what I really need to do is work harder
on Celestial Pearl Productions Limited, and do what it takes to become self-employed— another big dream of mine that, unfortunately, renders me dependent upon other people in order to come
Date: August 16th, 2021 7:45 AM
Previously on PZ: You Will See Me
I don't know what to do with myself I feel like everything I do doesn't matter, like nothing anyone does really matters, I wish I had a real family. I'm feeling sad about my life, I have nothing to show
for all of my passion, none of it all matters. I have everything I wanted as a teenager, but compared to everyone successful in this world I have next to nothing and I am no one. But I am glad for what I do
have, I cannot be ungrateful for all the blessings I do own. I just do not know what is wrong with me. I am so restless, yet I stay in one place; I dream of going outside on lavish adventures but I don't want
to leave the house because I don't want to face or connect with the people of this world; I don't even want to find them in my beloved mountain forests, so I do not venture out into them. I feel sad. I know
this feeling is unhealthy, but... sometimes you have to embrace the rubber band, because the farther back it pulls you, the farther you may have yet to go, something like that I read on the Internet today.
Maybe this isn't all for nought. Maybe I do just need to patiently continue with my work and stop allowing myself to feel sad about things that don't matter. I need to stop comparing myself to others.
I find myself deeply inspired, yet also envious of other artists' abilities, and then I don't even want to try to make my own artwork because I know it's going to look so rough in the beginning, so unfinished
and broken-looking and inadequate and unsatisfying, just like me, and I cannot stand the feeling of embarrassment it gives me. Whoa, I just learned something about myself.
Date: November 29th, 2020 2:15 AM
Previously on PZ: Poverty Of Two Kinds
I do not belong in this world.
I will have no descendants, no heirs to carry forward My memory.
I have only My written words to speak My legacy, to carry forward My truth.
I do not have a friend in government, nor does the governance of humans hold any meaning for Me.
I know no kings or queens, and I will not know them, because they hold no meaning for Me.
I will form no alliance of marriage throughout My entire life— I will remain as evasive and mysterious as the Doe.
I will form no formal occupation for the love of money, because the very best things in life are utterly free.
There will be no currency left in My account when I die.
All of My unsold artwork will burn with Me.
The choice will always be Mine to move forward against tradition,
If every ending is only a beginning, then You will see Me again soon.
Date: November 26th, 2020 2:10 AM
Previously on PZ: Supply And Demand
|original image credit|
"You CAN take the asshole out of material poverty but you CAN’T take the spiritual poverty out of the asshole." -Anastasia Valentine (Me)
Date: November 14th, 2020 8:40 AM
Previously on PZ: Soap Box: America's Democracy Is A Hot Mess
Supply and demand. Simple enough as a concept, but there's something crucial missing here: Who's in charge?
Somebody's doing the demanding. Somebody's doing the supplying.
What is being demanded, what is being supplied?
Where's the ethics?
Who gets served first, who gets served best?
Why do we have to submit to demands?
Only slaves must supply submission to demands.
Are we humans to be slaves to each other forever?
There's a dominance-and-submission dynamic hidden in plain sight here.
Those doing the demanding, have tremendous power of destruction.
Those doing the supplying, have tremendous power of creation.
But some creations are meant to destroy.
And some destructions are meant to create.
Where does one begin and the other one end?
The goodness and badness of any given situation lays within the eye of the beholder.
If people demand lies, should we feed them lies?
If people want to stick their hands into fires, should we let them do so?
What if they want to stick their children into fires, should we let them do so?
If people demand anything, are we obligated to give it to them?
Date: November 11th, 2020 7:50 AM
Previously on PZ: A Singularly Plural Life
So the 2020 presidential election results, while not yet certified, have created the following set of circumstances in our here & now: Democrats have pretty much won the election by a lot. Biden is going to be the next POTUS. Trump is predictably unhappy with this and, also predictably, refuses to accept the election results. He says there is widespread voter fraud in the states that didn't elect him, but there isn't really any evidence to back this up. Many of his supporters do believe him, though. And they're pissing themselves just like trump is.
All of this only reinforces in my mind the obvious truth that no one really wants to admit: America’s democracy is a fucking hot mess.
To be fair, governing is a very messy, shameful business, and America’s democracy has actually accomplished wonders in some respects. But this is nowhere near enough to redeem it. America has a great many skeletons in its closet, and they're multiplying so quickly they're starting to spill out faster and faster. Many people won’t like to hear this, because they’ve invested so heavily into this political system. They’ve got families, properties, careers, businesses, entire lives devoted to the idea that American democracy fundamentally works. The second biggest problem is that so many people are invested in a lie in the first place. The biggest problem, however, is that they like it that way.
There are many reasons why trump became president, and all of them point to a democracy that hides human hatred and rights violations beneath a mask of nobility, unity, and strength. American government, knowing the world is watching, puts on quite a spectacular show (in this regard, it's no wonder a reality tv show host became POTUS in 2016). But behind the scenes, where MOST of the work is going on, things are quite different. Most American citizens do not really even like each other, as is evident by the cesspools that are social media platforms. And this plays out in their social interactions with each other every day, online and offline. Even people who are considered to be on the same team can quickly devolve into spiteful conversations featuring dehumanizing language. For all their talk of tolerance, Americans know nothing of it— and they certainly do not understand how tolerance is self-generated, either. The great lie that is American democracy amounts to no more than a conveniently lovely myth like Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, or Jesus Christ: Santa will give you presents if you're good. The Easter Bunny will bring you gifts of candy. Jesus Christ will cleanse us all from our sins. The government will protect us from all harm. I honestly don't understand how anyone can take American politics seriously anymore, especially after all that I've seen happening during the past several years.
People have to hang on to something; they NEED something to believe in. I suppose that’s to be expected of creatures that have spent their whole lives depending upon a planet on which they live. Something else that people NEED in their lives, is drama, or in other words mental stimulation. It’s not enough for things to be going well for humans— they need the vicissitudes of life in order to keep themselves going. From these needs have been birthed many of humanity’s most promising endeavors: politics, religion, academia, economics, culture. But there is a problem we have developed here in the late stages of capitalism: humans don’t NEED to love each other in order to be fulfilled anymore. People have come to need profit more than each other.
Americans have more reasons to want to stay away from each other than they do to want to unite. That’s the problem. Their care for other people outside of their favorite circles is practically non-existent. And no amount of voting or political discourse is going to fix THAT sorry situation. No leader in the world can make people who don’t want to care about each other, care about each other. There’s no system of logic or government in the universe that can effectively govern the human heart. These changes have to be made IN the people themselves, BY the people themselves. What makes it all so scary is the knowledge that people don’t want to change themselves— they want to make everyone else change instead. This is why governments are metaphysically doomed to failure. This is why authoritarianism keeps rearing its ugly head every time we think we’ve vanquished it. THE PROBLEM _IS_ THE PEOPLE.
How do we “fix” people? Well, that’s a very interesting question, and one humanity has been grappling with for ages. That question alone makes a lot of unspoken assumptions that raise all kinds of other questions— who does the fixing, who's getting fixed? What gets fixed & what doesn't? Where, when, and how will the fixing happen? Why is fixing people even necessary at all? There are all kinds of answers to these questions, depending upon who is doing the answering, of course. The real question is:
How do we fix people so that they need to love each other in order to survive and thrive?
I don't know of a satisfactory answer to this question. The truth is, everything is as it should be— nothing needs to be fixed at all. If people do not love each other, they will simply have to live with the consequences of their choice. Everyone is free to interact with each other in any way they choose, so everyone is capable of choosing love over hate... but The Way just isn't enough for some folk. They love the byways. They love their egos. People love to hate. They don't want to be fixed, they want to be doing the fixing. They want everything to be fixed at the snap of their fingers. They have no idea they're running away from their own shadows. I don't think people are fixable, at all. The only person who can fix us is ourselves.
We can't do anything about what other people are doing, but we can do something about what we ourselves are doing. The American political system may be a hot mess, everyone around us may be hot messes, but that doesn't mean that WE have to be a hot mess ourselves.
Date: November 6th, 2020 10:55 PM
Previously on PZ: My Life Before Zero: November 2020 Reminiscence
I was part of a biological family unit once. It was rather unhappy, despite the happy facades my parents had put into place to make our family seem, well... normal. I was never really allowed to develop deep friendships since none of my friends ever pleased my parents, and I was so hungry for knowledge my parents purposefully kept from me. I grew up feeling very alone, despite living in a house constantly filled with people. I still am alone in some respects, despite living on a planet filled with billions of other humans. They are close to me in proximity but there is always an ocean between us. Even in a room or an encampment full of people having fun, I still find myself feeling utterly alone and disconnected from the rest of the human race.
And yet, somehow I am never alone. I am not just a singular being: I am a plurality of beings. My pronouns are actually They/Them, but I have difficulty explaining to anyone who isn't me that this is because of my consciousness, not my gender. These consciousnesses are composed of beings of all genders. The closest thing I can say to get this point across is that I am a hive-minded person. All of the spirits, all of the ancestors, all of the totality of beings, are necessarily within Me. I have no reason to contact the dead, for I am the dead. I have no reason to connect with the living, for I am the living. I have no reason to pray to God, for I am God. This may smack of sacrilege to some, but that is only because they do not recognize that this is equally true of them, as well.
That which humans call God is in the people, the animals and plants and minerals; God is in the stars, and all the spaces in between.
This concept of a plurality in a single person is very difficult for me to explain. I've never attempted to really define this experience before. It's not really a well-defined experience. The closest thing in reality that I can point to and say "it's kinda like that" would be Abraham-Hicks... except I don't use this experience to con people out of their money like they do. It isn't multiple personality disorder, I know that for certain. And these "blocks of thought", as Abraham-Hicks puts it (and I feel it's an apt description)— they are not hallucinations, although sometimes I find myself unsure if they are coming from sources inside of me or outside of me. I use research and meditation to sort them all out.
Also unlike Abraham-Hicks, these blocks or units of thought are for me often not well defined experiences, and there is no clear consensus amongst all of the beings. My ability to communicate well with (some of) them rests upon my equanimity and mood, and sometimes my immediate environment. I have narrowed the energies down to roughly two collections of voices or personalities in consensus: one feminine called Jubilee, and one masculine called Lucifer. They are perfect complements of each other, and emanate directly from (the closest word I can find for It) Ain Soph. Between the two of them there is a third consensus of beings who is both genderless and completely silent; I know the least about this emanation but that It is ZERO and I know that It, too, comes directly from Ain Soph.
Date: November 6th, 2020 10:56 AM
Previously on PZ: Election Cycle Blues
I was the eldest of four children, four products of a tenuous marriage. What made my family different was all of the disabilities: both my brothers inherited autism and one of them inherited learning disabilities from my father, and my sister developed Spinal Muscular Atrophy from the genetics of both my parents. I was the only "normal" child, but I never felt normal. In spite of her unfortunate (and not at all her fault) physical condition, my sister really was the daughter my parents always wanted. See, they were (probably still are) conservative republicans, and they wanted that Brady Bunch, Little House On The Prairie, Leave It To Beaver -type of family— but that just wasn't going to happen with me in it, because I'm just not like that. My sister couldn't even walk, and later in her life she was bedridden and couldn't move much, so there was all kinds of things she couldn't do that my parents didn't have to worry about. They didn't have to worry about her skipping school, doing drugs, getting pregnant, having homosexual relations or consuming pornography— all valid fears that my parents took to the extreme in my case. And she was often treated like a little angel while I was often treated like a scary demon. The differences in the contrasting ways we each were treated were very palpable to me, and served as a major point of contention for many years. She was never scrutinized as heavily as I was, was never expected to have as much responsibility as I did, and she was never considered a bad person as I was. I resented her most of her life because of these things, but in hindsight that misdirected energy was an awful mistake. She never asked to be born with what would one day become a terminal illness. It wasn't her fault our parents loved and respected her so much more than me. Our parents loved and respected her more because she couldn't and wouldn't fight back against their influence, and they LOVED that. Me, I was naturally always a moody rebel, but I still tried to be a good daughter. They watched me like a hawk and still managed to convince themselves that I was secretly doing evil things. Neither my sister or I could have our privacy for entirely different reasons. I got along better with my two brothers, although our relationships were quite strained as well. Everything about our lives together as a family was difficult and disappointing, and somehow it always managed to circle back to me being difficult and disappointing too. I'm just so glad that I'm not a part of that toxic family anymore. My life and my mental health have improved significantly since I left it. But really, I was the one who was left many years before I took off. I realized how sad and alone I was in that family, and I exchanged it for a life of happy solitude. I haven't regretted doing so ever since then. I don't expect I'll ever come to regret it in the future. I've got my own family now, and this family makes me much happier: my brother, and our two dogs, Medusa (my dog) and Lucy (his dog). And, of course, there's Q...
Date: November 2nd, 2020 8:50 AM
Previously on PZ: Big U-niverse or Little u-niverse? Split The Diff?
One way or another, America's unraveling is accelerating, and I'm not here for it.
Politics have been nothing but a threatening shadow in my life for as long as I've known about them. I remember a worksheet from my elementary school years— about 4th grade or so— that was designed to teach children about the importance of rules in society via a thought experiment. "What if we lived in a world with no rules in it?" the worksheet asked. "Somebody could smash your ice cream cone into your face and they could get away with it, because there's no rules!" I remember thinking this was a trite and quite stupid lesson to learn, because even as a child I knew that someone could smash my ice cream cone into my face and get away with it anyways, regardless of any rules that were in effect. Now I am an adult, and I've found that the world has never stopped trying to pound trite and stupid lessons into my head. Such is the price of trying to survive in a world dominated by politics and stupid people.
The ongoing battle for the soul of America is really just an escalated street fight between different groups of people with children, who each desperately want their own progeny to rule the world in the future. It really has nothing to do with me. It really has nothing to do with the Truth. It is the fight of selfish people outside of me that do not care about me. Why do I try so hard to care about them? Haven't I learned by now that being a good person does not matter? No, it's not really those people that I care about. It's their children that I'm worried for, the children who have no choice but to be here, the children being used as pawns in a political game, the children who don't know any better. I'm worried I may be reincarnated as one of them after I die. I'm worried the vicious cycle of being will never end.
So, what if we lived in a world with no rules in it? Would chaos abound? Look honestly around you, Dear Reader— we've had our rules for quite some time, and yet chaos still abounds. I am more grateful than ever for the blessings I've received and the curses I've avoided, yeet politics still threatens my mental health around every corner I turn. I am grateful my progeny are still in the aethers, and not on this planet at this time. These days I choose to be content with peace, emptiness, and solitude. I wish more people who are on this planet now would make that choice, but I don't have faith in people anymore. I only have faith in myself.