Date: January 16th, 2022 9:42 AM
Previously on PZ: Thrice Thoughts I
On a recent jaunt through Second Life, I found a beautiful realm known as Glass Slipper and fell in love with it.
Happy New Year!! Well, solar new-year, anyways. It's time for another trip around the Sun, and I can't wait to see what this newest trip brings to the world. Things have gotten crazier in the past
several years, and I think things are only about to get even crazier. But life has been good to ME— in fact, my life is better now than ever before, and I feel so thankful for it. I achieved two major
goals in 2021: I changed jobs and moved into a new home. I also started a new romantic relationship that I am quite thrilled about. I feel so blessed to be living in this fresh, new life-space. A brand
new chapter of my life has begun, and it is off to an excellent start.
As always, I have an excess of ideas and inspiration to keep me busy this year. I really want to start finishing old projects that have been going for years, and I want to improve my skills as both an artist
and a writer. The first step for me is not defeating myself before I begin an important task just because I know it will not be perfect. And I need to reaffirm the importance of my own dreams in creating
a happy future for myself. No more diminishing my dreams to make way for life! My life now has to cater to my dreams, and my ultimate vision that I want to bring to the world. I don't know if I'll build
a successful career or not, but these are things I have to do anyways to keep myself alive. And now that I'm happy to be alive, I have so many things I want to do and become. I can see Anna-Phoenix
coming into focus in the distance. For now I am plenty happy with my transformation from a bug to a butterfly. It's not over yet, but only just beginning!!
I have some new goals for this year— pretty much the sum of all goals I haven't achieved yet. Setting up a studio in my new bedroom and updating my websites are major ones. I'm about 60%
finished with a new painting for my new Project Zeitgeist blog logo and a new golden border as well. Celestial Pearl needs a lot of love and could definitely use a new design. I've mentioned I want to
finish projects I've already started, and two that stand out are my autobiography and the FUOAZ videogame. I also would really like to tell the full story of the Beautyverse, since I've been faithfully
crafting it for many years now. These are all part of an even bigger dream I've had for years: to become self-employed. This year I'd like to rekindle my dedication to my self-employment journey while
still keeping my night job. I know I have a lot of research, work and self-healing to do before I reach that point, so I'm not gonna try to make it happen this year— but I can continue to lay the
foundation for it to happen one day!
Aside from my life's work, I also simply want to cultivate a deeper sense of joy and fun in my life. I want to work hard, but I want to play harder. I want to pay more attention to the things that genuinely
make me a better human being. These things I'm talking about include travel, journaling, cooking & baking, consuming more fiction, playing with my dog more meaningfully, purging things I don't
need, creating media on the fly, and celebrating the milestones of my life with an aura of reverence.
Having said all of that, a small update of my life-status is in order, so I can round out the snapshot of my current zeitgeist just a bit more: Medusa is doing well, although I'm ashamed my recent
agoraphobic tendencies have prevented me from taking her out to play as much as I'd really like to. She's still a nervous girl, so I think I'm going to purchase some calming herbal drops to help her
relax more easily. She still follows me from room to room in the house, still barks at new strangers in the house, still sleeps in the bed like a cinderblock, and still freaks out with joy every time I arrive
home from work or errands as though she thought she'd never see me again. When I leave for work, she sulks and avoids me like a mopey teenager. But we're both always so happy to see each other
again every time we reunite after a separation. We really are each other's emotional support creatures.
More of Valentine in the Glass Slipper realm.
As far as the political climate goes, what can I really say that will accurately capture even a modicum of the insanity that has consumed my country? I thought people were insufferable before the pandemic
of 2020, but COVID19 has brought out even more of the worst in human society and shined a spotlight upon it. Everbody seems to hate each other more than ever before. I read in an article somewhere,
"political dischord has calcified into political hatred", or something like that, and I couldn't have chosen better words to describe the whole situation myself. I keep myself informed of the news these days,
but I don't allow myself to become inundated by the media anymore. I don't read much of Twitter anymore, I don't even follow anyone there, I just use the account to post random thoughts and rants so I can
get them out of my head, or to remember interesting articles I find on the Internet. Lately I have been using it to check out the artwork of some majorly proficient digital artists, particularly erotic illustrators.
I have become so inspired once again by the beautiful imagery other people have created, that I have become even more passionate about creating my own. The world around me may be crumbling and
decaying, but I still manage to find the beauty of the world every day. My personal bubble is an excellent blessing.
I still have no contact with my biological family members. It's still the best life decision I've ever made for myself, sad though the necessity may be. There's no need to talk, because we don't want to talk
to each other. Each of us finds the other so cringe that we can't even make contact, it's so painful. Our values are very different, and we don't even share the same beliefs regarding reality. Oh well. Some
people are simply easier to love from a distance.
I feel really happy with my own life, though. Although nothing is ever perfect, everything is beginning to fall into place. I feel like a root-bound plant that has been transferred to a bigger pot, and now
has so much room to grow. I'm feeling very optimistic about the future, in spite of everything going on with everyone else. My body feels good, I've been eating nutritious food these days, and staying
fairly hydrated, and mostly taking my meds. I hope 2022 is a good year. And so our journey around the Sun continues...
Weird Trivia About Me: I love both real flowers and fake flowers. I just love flowers!
Date: November 21st, 2021 8:36 PM
Previously on PZ: Memento Mori
Everything is different now.
Something has changed within the fabric of reality—
That grand, old thing we call home,
It has changed within us.
I meant to make the change—
I am glad I made the change—
But I never once expected I would feel like THIS.
From this vantage point I can see so much farther,
So clearly do I notice it all now,
That a certain sadness overtakes my heart.
It is a heaviness which endures in reality forever
But because it does endure
Its opposite must also endure
In this we have eternal hope and eternal hopelessness.
It hasn't always been so black-and-white.
The world used to live in color— or so I hear it did.
Everyone seems to think it was better in the past,
Better when we could walk through the gardens of our minds without shame,
Better when we saw the world with all the colors of the rainbow.
Those days are long gone now— or are they?
They're still out there somewhere
Hiding inside a world of doubt
Invisible to our seeking souls
Until the light shines for just a moment a split second before we die—
Better when we are thrown into the pit of non-being
Where the colors always mix to form something new
And those colors won't ever fade
They are inside of us, marinating in the promise of rebirth
Until the moment that we find it
It's too late for us now,
But one day we will try again.
Every tiny bit of time has an anti-time,
And because divinity is all
That is why there is no time in the realm of the gods.
All that we know is bound by time— but we don't know much at all.
In the realms of time,
There is an absence of morality and yet an abundance of moral professions,
But in the realms of anti-time,
There is an abundance of morality and yet an absence of moral professions.
Divinity smiles, knowing such things are what makes the Universe tick.
It creates spiritual electricity through the circuit of these two realms.
Date: October 16th, 2021 10:16 PM
Previously on PZ: The Divide
All of this has happened once
And will happen again
And so, you see, it’s best to be
An enemy AND a friend.
Date: October 12th, 2021 4:09 AM
Previously on PZ: Just Another Living Goddess
Date: October 8th, 2021 8:15 PM
Previously on PZ: A New Place To Call Home
At Meow Wolf Denver, September 25th
Date: October 6th, 2021 7:45 AM
Previously on PZ: Deep Thoughts: Big Universe, Little Universe
So it looks like I'll be moving into the fourth bedroom of Josh's new house in the next couple of months, and I am hugely excited!! The room is small, but the place has a garage he said I can use and
perhaps most important of all it has a huge back yard with two gardens and two levels. To me, it's a perfect fit. I think Medusa will be very happy with the back yard and all of the people in the house for
her to hang out with (Dak from my previous job and Ced from my current job also live there, hooray!!). I am so stoked for this change in my life.
I know I will miss Billygoat and Lucykins, so I am glad they will only be 30 minutes away, as opposed to the potential 3 hours when I was considering moving to Trinidad (that's on the table for later down
the line). I really hope I remain a good friend to Billy and actually visit him and have him over for dinner and stuff. Just because I want to live in this new place doesn't mean I want to grow distant. I'm
already so horribly good at growing distant with friends, I don't want that to happen with me and Billygoat. Only time will tell.
I really am excited at the prospect of gardening, sipping coffee on the porch, and playing with Medusa in the back yard. I'd love to plant some flowers, herbs and vegetables, and maybe even a couple of
fruit trees. I want to put up bird feeders and wind chimes and a jolly roger flag. I want to cook in a clean, uncluttered kitchen and set up my art studio in the garage. And I'll definitely need to have some
wild sex to christen my new bedroom.
Date: October 2nd, 2021 10:15 PM
Previously on PZ: Celestial Pearl: The Moneyless Dream Enterprise
The Big Universe And The Little Multiverses
I'm writing an essay called "The Essence Of God", and I'm trying to piece my thoughts together. I made the visual diagram above to help me define the undefined. BB stands for Big Bang.
Date: September 13th, 2021 1:13 AM
Previously on PZ: Loneliness, Pain, and Reincarnation
I want to build something COLOSSAL within my lifetime. I'd love for Celestial Pearl Productions to become something like Disney one day— original characters and stories, films, shows, video games,
books, theme parks, apparel, hotels, home decor, weddings, all over the world. But I know that companies like Disney came to be as expansive as they are because they are businesses and as such
money is their primary concern. It is because of money and their focus upon generating it using things such as I've listed above, that is the engine of their success as human enterprises. And while I
do concede that money is inherently neither good nor evil, I do feel that money has become a thing of evil influence in human society. I don't really want my enterprise to be a business because
generating money is really not my primary concern. I actually think money should be abolished. I want my enterprise to be a creative studio that focuses on providing high quality content, products
& services FOR EVERYONE to enjoy, not just rich people. I don't want money to be the focus of my company because I think of money as dirty the same way some people believe pornography is dirty.
I think money is dirty because of its recent history of mining from the mountains of human suffering— by recent I mean the past 5,000 years or so of humanity's short history on Earth.
If money is not a suitable medium by which I can build my ambitious dreams, then what is a suitable replacement? I haven't quite figured that out yet because following my burning passions has been more than
just a recurring dream, it is also a way to keep the nightmares at bay. Everybody has skeletons in their closets, their own personal demons, and I am no exception to this. I am haunted by the past,
too. Celestial Pearl Productions, in whatever ultimate future form it may take, will always be to me like my own child— I care for it, I nurture it, I guide it, I watch it grow, I see both the visible and
invisible growth of it, I put my life into it, I put my soul into it, and I will always be there for it for as long as I last, after which point it will be up to the company to decide whether or not to go on
without me. I hold Celestial Pearl in my heart every single day. It is a symbol to me, of success— I don't think I'd still be here if it weren't for this dream project giving me something to believe in.
It will always be a colossal part of my life, whether it becomes successful in the eyes of the world or not. In that respect, perhaps I've already built something colossal within my lifetime. Like Martin
Luther King said, I have a dream. And the dream is giving me life. Who can build something more perfect and amazing than their own life?
Date: September 5th, 2021 9 PM
Previously on PZ: Cosmic Work and Human Money
In reading the Sailor Moon mangas, especially the last one (Act 60), I have to wonder why Usagi felt so lonely
despite having so many strong friendships with other women AND an incredible romance story with a man who truly loves her.
So why did she still feel lonely and in pain?
This is more than just a part of a plot design for a fictional story, this is a fictional story perfectly illustrating a fact of life. Why is it that no matter how successful
we become, we are still plagued by our loneliness? Is it because every particle of the Universe contains the potential for both good and evil? Is it because existence
itself is the interplay of opposites? I think these thoughts are the first steps in the right direction.
Knowing that our loneliness and pain will always be with us, what can we do to live our best lives while we're alive? Somehow, I was inspired to revisit the biblical
book of Ecclesiastes, where there is a peculiar truth written there: All that is happening has happened before, and all that is happening will happen again. This point
was made in Sailor Moon as well— another example of a fictional story illustrating a fact of life. I know this point has been made in other fictional stories as
well, the foremost example in my mind being BattleStar Galactica. It is entirely possible that the malaise-like loneliness and pain that we collectively feel is a result of
the many lifetimes we have already lived within this Universe. As it is easy for humans to become jaded over their lifetime, so I imagine the Universe becomes jaded
over its own lifetime. The cosmos can be quite a violent, or at least very turbulent, place to live in, after all. Even if we don't remember the details of all of our lives, the
feelings of them remain with us lifetime after lifetime.
Perhaps this is why new beginnings are so important and so magickal: if we aree able to truly lay the past to rest, we can enjoy a future unclouded by all of the
baggage accumulated over so many cosmic experiences. And if we cannot lay the past to rest today, there will always be another opportunity to lay it to rest tomorrow.
The advantage of repeating things over and over again is that next time new choices can be made which will inform our future. We may always live with an amount of
loneliness and pain, but both of them will always drive us to alleviate them by seeking companionship and pleasure. This contrast and this potential for conflict is what
makes existence possible. As electricity flows from one charge to another, making all kinds of wonderful and all kinds of horrible things possible, energy that flows
between loneliness and companionship, between pain and pleasure, makes all kinds of wonderful and all kinds of horrible experiences possible. The Universe is all
of these things, and more.
Perhaps loneliness and pain are meant to be with us because they drive us towards greater things. Thirst and hunger originally drive the desire for good food that
eventually becomes the art form that is the culinary arts. Perhaps pain and loneliness drive our desire for good experiences that eventually becomes the art form that
is our life.
Date: September 5th, 2021 12:40 AM
Previously on PZ: There Never Is A Time When We Don't Exist
I don't really know how to characterize my work in this world. The modern view of work is that it is something done for money, something which is required everywhere one goes and dispersed by
a select few who happen to possess it in massive quantities. This process is meant to be above reproach and criticism: do not ask why money is ubiquitously required, do not ask how those few came to
possess so much money, do not pay any attention to the man behind the curtain. But those of us who have to know HAVE to peer behind the curtain, and we have to tell others what we saw there if we
are to bear any responsibility towards the truth of things. My work is to know everything, a demanding, evolving, and thankless job. But I don't do it for money— in fact, I cannot do this job for money,
it just won't work like that. I work at corporations for money. I investigate the truth for comfort. I am a deeply uncomfortable person when placed within other peoples' worlds— but knowing everybody
inhabits my own world feels great, natural even. There is a Greater Reality which we all inhabit, and that is what I consider my world. And yet while I know that my life could be greatly enhanced by
money, the idea of working for it feels intensely unpalatable these days. It's not really money I want, anyways— I want to live in a world without a need for human laws, and that will require a world with
significantly less humans in it. While I could conceivably make enough money to sequester myself away from human beings into a lovely and comfortable abode, that isn't ultimately the reality I really
want. The world is my home, and I want to feel comfortable throughout the entirety of it. No amount of money is going to offer me that kind of reality because the reality I want to escape now was made
corrupt via money itself. But what will offer me that kind of reality? Well, that's a secret I'm not about to go into. But I know that extraordinary things are quite possible, and that my work in this world is
to make them more probable.
Date: August 31st, 2021 7:13 AM
Previously on PZ: Always Something New
If we insist upon only seeing the world through the perspective of this meatsuit we call a physical human body, then it is true that our tiny perspective of the universe will cease to exist for us when we die.
If any traces of our consciousness remains, it will be floating forever through an endless void, because our Consciousness (notice the capital C) has moved on.
That particular life of ours, once over, has contributed massively to the memory of universal consciousness and will always remain crystallized as it was in spacetime.
There is nothing to worry about, though, because our immortal Consciousness will have already begun our next life.
Our universe would never be the same if it weren't for all the lives we've lived and will yet live.
Everything is okay, and if things aren't okay, then everything is going to be okay again one day... for the pendulum swingeth, my friend.
Date: August 21st, 2021 1 PM
Previously on PZ: August Thoughts
The time ticks by, and I try to make sure it is filled with moments that matter to me. The world outside me crumbles apart, and I try to find the silver lining I know will eventually peer through the
storm clouds. It is madness out there! Everybody fighting over the latest hot topics— vaccination & mask-wearing, gender identity, cultural appropriation, Critical Race Theory being taught in schools, the
January 6th Insurrection, & now the fall of Afghanistan to the Taliban upon Biden's removal of US troops. And there's more! There's always something new going on. Human beings endlessly fascinate
me— we make our own problems, pass our flaws down through the generations, and then trip over ourselves blaming each other for things being as chaotic as they are. So I've turned back to drawing
and painting as a way of escaping reality while still doing something productive. And I have been more productive lately. I'm realizing my drawing skills suck & need a lot of work, however my painting
is rather good.
I quit Target and joined Josh at the Home Depot across the streets unloading the trucks & working freight overnights, and I really like it. I'm glad to be working nights again, and at HD I
learned how to use the mechanical equipment right away... at Target they seemingly would only teach male employees how to use the machines, so much so that I would joke that I wasn't being taught
because I didn't have a penis attached to my body. Although Target provided a useful discount & HD doesn't, I enjoy working at HD more than I did working for Target towards the end. And I have friends
from Target also working there that I get to see & bullshit with all the time! Although everything has been technically going well for me the past few months, I find myself feeling drained and empty right
now, and I know I've been keeping depression at arm's length for awhile. I admit I am bummed because, although I work a full-time job, it doesn't look like I make enough income to afford a one-bedroom
or even a studio apartment with the rent prices soaring into the sky this year. Is now the perfect time for me to finally try van living, or should I be more grateful for the stability I've achieved in my living
situation & stay put? I'm staying put for now, although needless to say my dreams have been dashed. I don't want to have to make more money, especially since a one-bedroom apartment feels like
something that SHOULD be well within my reach. I really can't complain, though, because it's not like I'm in a bad situation and need to get out right away. I guess what I really need to do is work harder
on Celestial Pearl Productions Limited, and do what it takes to become self-employed— another big dream of mine that, unfortunately, renders me dependent upon other people in order to come
Date: August 16th, 2021 7:45 AM
Previously on PZ: You Will See Me
I don't know what to do with myself I feel like everything I do doesn't matter, like nothing anyone does really matters, I wish I had a real family. I'm feeling sad about my life, I have nothing to show
for all of my passion, none of it all matters. I have everything I wanted as a teenager, but compared to everyone successful in this world I have next to nothing and I am no one. But I am glad for what I do
have, I cannot be ungrateful for all the blessings I do own. I just do not know what is wrong with me. I am so restless, yet I stay in one place; I dream of going outside on lavish adventures but I don't want
to leave the house because I don't want to face or connect with the people of this world; I don't even want to find them in my beloved mountain forests, so I do not venture out into them. I feel sad. I know
this feeling is unhealthy, but... sometimes you have to embrace the rubber band, because the farther back it pulls you, the farther you may have yet to go, something like that I read on the Internet today.
Maybe this isn't all for nought. Maybe I do just need to patiently continue with my work and stop allowing myself to feel sad about things that don't matter. I need to stop comparing myself to others.
I find myself deeply inspired, yet also envious of other artists' abilities, and then I don't even want to try to make my own artwork because I know it's going to look so rough in the beginning, so unfinished
and broken-looking and inadequate and unsatisfying, just like me, and I cannot stand the feeling of embarrassment it gives me. Whoa, I just learned something about myself.