I keep running up against a wall lately in my personal development journey, and I know I have to find some way across it. The “wall” I keep running into is a coat of armor and my first line of defense against mental harm, but it is also a prison which hinders my capabilities. I am no stranger to depression and social anxiety, but I really can’t afford to be associated with these any longer. It’s always “change or die”, and although I am quite comfortable with suicidal ideation, I’ve always managed to change enough to stay alive. I’m 33 years old these days, but people think I’m more like 25. I’m done changing for other people’s comfort. But what change must I make in order to scale this wall I’ve been talking about?
I suppose the first step is to make the armor unnecessary, which it currently isn’t, because it was built for a reason. I suppose the answer really is to just work on making myself stronger & healthier, which I have to admit feels… boring. I’m trying to make the process more fun. But that’s the crux of the problem to begin with: I feel guilty in having fun. And that guilt came from social interactions with other humans, which is why the wall is there in the first place: to keep out shame.
Maybe that’s what my problem is, I feel ashamed that things aren’t better than they are. I feel ashamed that I have to pretend things are better than they are in order for them to get better than they are. I feel ashamed to exist at all. None of the world seems trustworthy. I can’t create without remembering all of the brainchildren I’ve lost throughout the years. My attention span is so fractured that it can’t last longer than 30-60 seconds without wandering off to another thing. I can’t focus without eventually losing myself and wandering around. I can’t create anything without it feeling monumentally stupid to me at some point in the process of making it. I feel the potential is there, but transforming it into tangible objects is time-consuming and requires exceptional focus.
It’s back to the drawing table, again.