The Fantastic Universe Of Anjie Zealand:
Act 1 [Pilot]

Date: June 8th, 2019

Previously on PZ: My Life: The Wall

Anjie Zealand with two of her craziest alter-egos: AK-47 and Freaky Kitty.

Anjie Zealand with two of her craziest alter-egos: AK-47 (left) and Freaky Kitty.

Scene: 1 (IN DR. DISCHORD’S OFFICE)

DR. DISCHORD
"Hello there, I am Dr. Emmo Dischord, your new therapist."

ANJIE
*unimpressed* "Sweet."

DR. DISCHORD
"Please have a seat, Anjie, and we’ll get started."

ANJIE
*points at camera* "Is that thing running already?" *sits*

DR. DISCHORD
"Yes. Just make yourself comfortable. Would you like a bottled water?"

ANJIE
"Uh, no thanks."

DR. DISCHORD
"Now, Anjie... Zealand, am I pronouncing that right? Like 'New Zealand'?"

ANJIE
*annoyed* "Yeah, just like New Zealand."

DR. DISCHORD
"Alright, tell us a bit about yourself."

ANJIE
"What do you want to know?"

DR. DISCHORD
"Well, your previous therapist was Dr. Harmon, right? Do you have any thoughts on what happened with him?"

ANJIE
"Oh, um, yeah, Dr. Harmon. Well, I mean... it sure is tragic and all, how he died. He really didn’t seem like the type of guy who would go crazy and jump out the window like that, you know? But... he did."

DR. DISCHORD
"How are you holding up?"

ANJIE
"Oh I’m fine. I mean, he was my therapist ever since I was a kid, but... like, it’s not my fault what happened."

DR. DISCHORD
"And I understand you’ll be turning 18 very soon?"

ANJIE
"Yeah, on April 1st, so like... two weeks from now."

DR. DISCHORD
"Awesome, Happy Birthday in advance!"

ANJIE
"Thank you."

DR. DISCHORD
"And you’ll be graduating high school in May?"

ANJIE
"That’s correct. It’s been a long road through hell, but... here I am! I’ve made it this far!"

DR. DISCHORD
"That’s great. Your parents must be so proud of you."

ANJIE
"Well, they’re... prouder of my twin brother Aaron but, yeah, they’re pretty proud of me too."

DR. DISCHORD
"So you have a twin brother, Aaron. And your parents are... Lydia and Walter, correct? Can you tell me what they do?"

ANJIE
"Well, Mom is an interior decorator, so she’s always trying to make things perfect around the house. And Dad is a scientist, or a botanist, really, so everything has to be just right for him too..."

(*FLASHBACK* ANJIE DRAWING ON THE WALLS TO THE HORROR OF HER MOTHER, ANJIE CLIPPING OFF ALL THE PLANTS TO THE HORROR OF HER FATHER)


ANJIE
"They’re very particular people, my parents."

DR. DISCHORD
"Do you have any friends you hang out with regularly?"

ANJIE
"Uhhhhh...."

(*FLASHBACK* ANJIE GETTING BULLIED BY OTHERS, ANJIE BULLYING OTHERS, ANJIE GIVING MORRIS A HIGH FIVE)


ANJIE
"Yeah, I have a friend. His name is Morris. He’s a real ladies man, so he’s been kinda distant lately. But he’s going to graduate with me, which is really cool. We’ve been friends since... well, for as long as I can remember. Since we were babies, probably. We’ve had some crazy good times... also some pretty bad times... but, we’re still there for each other, after all this time, ya know? He’s one of the few people I can always count on. I know he’ll always be there for me... well, so long as 'there' is handicapped accessible. He’s been in a wheelchair ever since the accident when we were 11. Anyways... he’s basically my brother from another mother. Mrs Stevens rocks! She makes THE BEST chocolate chip cookies on the planet, and a lot of them, ’cause Morris has a lot of siblings."

DR. DISCHORD
"That’s great, Anjie. Now, please tell me about your love life. Do you have a boyfriend?"

ANJIE
"Oh no, I don’t have a boyfriend. I mean, I’d like to, although I’d really rather prefer... you know... girls..."

DR. DISCHORD
"There is no shame or judgement here, I am very LGBTQ friendly. So, is there some lucky lady who has caught your attention as of late?"

ANJIE
"Well, there’s this girl, she’s really pretty - I mean, drop-dead gorgeous supermodel material - and she’s the smartest girl in our school. Her name’s Lucille Marie."

DR. DISCHORD
"Have you ever considered asking her out?"

ANJIE
"Oh no, she’s waaaay out of my league. Her family’s super rich, and she has 8 older siblings. Her brothers alone would kick my ass if I ever asked her out."

DR. DISCHORD
"Really, what’s the worst that could happen?"

ANJIE
"Her dad could expel me from school and deny me my diploma. He’s the principal of Allswell High. And to be honest, I don’t have the right skin color to date ANYONE from that family. I’m white as milk, Doc. And she..." *sighs dreamily* "She’s as dark as the darkest bar of dark chocolate you ever did see. Her skin is like velvet, and the color of midnight. She’d never go for someone like me."

DR. DISCHORD
"Are you so sure? She obviously means a great deal to you. Why not try talking to her about how you feel?"

ANJIE
"Are you braindead, Doc? What exactly have they told you about me? I’m not exactly "normal", you know. C’mon, I must have a file the size of Texas by now, have you read any of it? Particularly the section that says "Multiple Personality Disorder"?"

DR. DISCHORD
"Well, they don’t call it that anymore, it’s known as "Dissociative Identity Disorder" now."

ANJIE
"Oh great, another phrase for it. Sounds like a diss to me."

TINY VOICE
"You sound stressed, Anjie. Try the vicodin cake!"

ANJIE
"Huh?"

DR. DISCHORD
"Excuse me?"

ANJIE
"Did you... say something about "vicodin cake"?"

DR. DISCHORD
"Uhh, no, I didn’t say anything about any cake."

ANJIE
"Oh." *moment of silence* "Well, I’m sure it was-"

TINY UNICORN PEGASUS
*flying around Anjie’s head* "Knock-knock!"

ANJIE
"Uh, who’s there?"

TINY UNICORN PEGASUS
"Guess!"

DR. DISCHORD
"No one’s here but us, Anjie."

ANJIE
"Um, guess who?"

TINY UNICORN PEGASUS
"Chicken stew!" *giggles*

ANJIE
*sigh of frustration*

DR. DISCHORD
"Are you seeing and hearing someone who isn’t us, Anjie?"

ANJIE
"No. I mean, yes. I mean... I see people wandering around outside the window, but I probably just heard... it was probably a squirrel or something, that I heard."

TINY UNICORN PEGASUS
"Knock-knock, Anjie! Wheeeeeeee! Let’s have fun!"

ANJIE
"Just a squirrel or something, I’m sure. Nothing more."

DR. DISCHORD
*with a squid on his head* "Uh-huh. Well, let’s talk about your future. What do you see yourself doing after graduation? Any plans?"

ANJIE
"Uhhhh... Sushi - I mean squid - I mean, animals like fish seem pretty cool, but I wouldn’t mind making people laugh for a living."

DR. DISCHORD
*now with googley eyes and a red clown nose added* "Really? Like a stand-up comedian, or a clown?"

ANJIE
"Yeah - I mean, sort of - I mean, what I really think I need is an exorcism or some kind of divine intervention..."

DR. DISCHORD
*sprouts many arms like a Hindu God* "Oh, so you believe there is a God?"

ANJIE
"Not really... Hey Doc, I have to use the restroom, can you excuse me please?" *runs out of room, followed by Tiny Unicorn Pegasus*



Scene: 2 (IN THE PUBLIC RESTROOM)

ANJIE
*locks herself in a stall & makes a call on her cell phone* "C’mon, answer me, I know you’re there, I know you’re-"

AK-47
"Hello?"

ANJIE
"AK! Keep it down, will you? I’m in the middle of a meeting."

AK-47
"Whaaat?!" *silly background noise*

ANJIE
"Listen to me! You’ve got to simmer down, I’m having a session with my new therapist and I really want to make a good impression."

AK-47
"Who cares?"

ANJIE
"'Who cares'?! I do, for starters! And everybody else in my life, for that matter."

AK-47
"I don’t care, and I’m in your life."

ANJIE
"I don’t care that YOU don’t care. I have ONE chance to make myself look good to this guy. Just stay quiet and DON’T BLOW IT. I mean it!"

AK-47
"No you don’t!"

ANJIE
"Yes, I do. Goodbye." *hangs up & exits stall*

AK-47
*in the bathroom mirror* "He’s never going to fix you, ya know."

ANJIE
"Well I know that, and YOU know that, but HE doesn’t know that, so let’s just PRETEND there’s some hope left for us so I can have some semblance of a normal life before we get ourselves killed like Dr. Harmon!"

AK-47
"What happened to him isn’t MY fault!"

ANJIE
"What happened to him is ENTIRELY your fault! You- ugh, look, I’m not going to rehash THAT can of worms with you right now. The point is, I think this guy MIGHT be able to help us, so would you please just stay in your room and keep it down?"

AK-47
"Haven’t you heard anything I’ve said? This guy cannot fix us! It doesn’t get any better than this, Anjie! You might as well just give in to the madness, and come join me on this side of reality."

ANJIE
"No way, I cannot believe that. There’s got to be some way of being better than this. And I’m gonna find it."

AK-47
"He’s a quack! A fraud! He’s never going to fix us, and you know it!"

ANJIE
"Not us, AK. You. No one’s ever going to fix YOU. But me? I’m fixable. I’ll fix myself, someday, somehow."

AK-47
"You take that back! We’re in this together, through to the end!"

ANJIE
"So you agree to lay low, then?"

AK-47
"Not an ice cube’s chance in hell, bitch!" *punches the mirror and fractures it*

ANJIE
"WHOA! Not cool, AK, NOT COOL!"

AK-47
"You’re not cool! You never even asked me if I wanted another therapist! I don’t!"

ANJIE
"You’re a fucking cartoon character! You’re a fucking black cat with a human head, you don’t even exist! You’re not even real, you have no bearing whatsoever over my life!"

AK-47
"I am too real!" *kicks the mirror & breaks a faucet, water sprays upward continuously* "See?! How can I do that if I don’t exist, huh?"

ANJIE
"Shut up! Just shut up!" *splashes water at AK in the mirror, AK jumps back & hisses angrily*

DR. DISCHORD
*outside the bathroom door with several patients who have been listening* "Anjie, are you doing okay in there?"

ANJIE
"Uh, yeah, I’m- I’m fine! Just- um, the faucet just exploded when I turned it on, and it broke the mirror, like twice..." *silently mouths the word "FUCK!"*

DR. DISCHORD
"Oh, okay, I’ll let maintenance know about it. Meet you back in my office?"

ANJIE
"Yeah, I’ll be there in a minute! Thanks for checking up on me, Doc, I appreciate it!" *washes hands*

DR. DISCHORD
"For sure, Anjie. See you soon." *walks away*

ANJIE
"Phew, that was close. See, AK, he’s not so bad. He’s actually way better than Dr. Harmon, don’t you think?"

AK-47
"I can’t believe you care more about the opinion of that four-eyed cretin than you do about ME, your oldest and dearest friend!"

ANJIE
"My oldest and dearest friend is Morris, AK. Not you."

AK-47
"That guy can’t even walk!"

ANJIE
"Don’t you DARE disrespect him like that! Especially considering we’ll never know if YOU put him in that wheelchair in the first place, AK!"

AK-47
*reaches through the mirror & grabs Anjie by the hair & holds her face in the stream of water* I’m your bestest friend ever! Get it? No one will ever be closer to you than I am, Anjie! I inhabit your brain! I know every corner of your mind! I own your soul, bitch!"

ANJIE
*swinging at AK* "No you don’t! No you don’t!" *punches AK in the face* "You’re a monster! I fucking hate you! I don’t care how long it takes, I am going to cure myself if it’s the last thing I do! And Dr. Dischord is going to help me, or... I’ll get another doctor!" *runs out of bathroom*

AK-47
*alone, she licks at the spray of water*



Scene: 3 (BACK IN DR. DISCHORD’S OFFICE)

ANJIE
*sits down, her hair a half-wet mess* "Ahem."

DR. DISCHORD
"Welcome back, Anjie. I see you won your fight with the faucet."

ANJIE
"Yeah, this time."

DR. DISCHORD
"Would you mind telling me who you were speaking to in there?"

ANJIE
"No one important. She’s just a voice I hear sometimes. I don’t think she likes you."

DR. DISCHORD
"Why is that?"

ANJIE
"Because she doesn’t want me to get better, but I do. Hey Doc... you can help me, right? Can you make me normal like everyone else?"

DR. DISCHORD
"Yes, Anjie, I will be here for you every step of the way. I will do all I can to help you. But always remember... you’re you. I don’t want you to be 'normal', I want you to be happy being YOU."

ANJIE
"But I don’t like myself, Doc. I just want a new brain. A brain that isn’t... crazy like mine is. I just don’t fit into this world. It’s-"

AK-47
*as a disembodied voice* "Because you’re a perfect fit into MY world, Anjie!"

ANJIE
"Shut the hell up, AK!"

AK-47
"Fuck you, New Zealand!"

ANJIE
"Arrrgh!!"

DR. DISCHORD
"Ahh, so her name is AK, or is that short for something?"

ANJIE
"It’s short for Anna-Kitty, as a matter of fact."

AK-47
*gasp* "Tell him my street name, you bitch! That’s AK-47!"

ANJIE
"She likes to call herself 'AK-47' because she thinks it sounds cool."

AK-47
"Hey! Everybody likes to call me AK-47, not just me!"

DR. DISCHORD
"Is 'Kitty' her surname?"

ANJIE
"No, it’s part of her name, she doesn’t have a, uh, surname. She’s a cat, a, um, black one."

DR. DISCHORD
"A talking black cat?"

ANJIE
"With a human head, yeah. I promise it’s as weird as it sounds."

AK-47
"I’m not weird!"

DR. DISCHORD
"So you see her as well as hear her?"

ANJIE
"Yes."

DR. DISCHORD
"Is she here with us now?"

ANJIE
"Unfortunately, yes..."

AK-47
"Hey! Tell him the paintings on his walls are stupid!"

ANJIE
"...but I only hear her right now. She’s a total asshole."

AK-47
"You’re the asshole here! These paintings are total crap."

ANJIE
"Not to change the subject or anything, Doc, but I have to admit these paintings on your walls are absolutely gorgeous. I love them."

AK-47
"You fucking cunt..."

DR. DISCHORD
"Why, thank you, Anjie. I actually created them myself."

ANJIE & AK-47 IN UNISON
"Really?!"

DR. DISCHORD
"Yes. Perhaps on your next visit we can discuss the therapeutic value of process art, but for now we are running out of time. Anjie, I think you could benefit greatly from the adoption of a creative hobby, as a means of self-expression. You could paint on canvases, as I did, or you could write poetry, or get into photography or the culinary arts... the list of possibilities is endless. I highly recommend you explore them."

ANJIE
"That... sounds pretty awesome, actually."

DR. DISCHORD
"Why not start with a self-portrait? You can bring it in next week and we’ll talk about it."

ANJIE
"A self-portrait? Really?"

DR. DISCHORD
"Yes. You can make a picture of how you see yourself, or you can make a picture of how you WANT to see yourself. I tend to suggest the latter, however, it’s up to you."

ANJIE
"Hmm, okay, sounds good, Doc."

AK-47
"It sounds stupid, ding-dong."

DR. DISCHORD
"Anjie, it’s been a pleasure meeting you, and I believe our first visit has been quite successful. There’s one more thing before our session ends."

AK-47
"He’s totally gonna flash you."

ANJIE
"Oh yeah? What’s that?"

DR. DISCHORD
"Well, Anjie, I hope you know that cannabis is legal here in Colorado now, and I think you’re eligible for a minor’s red card."

ANJIE
"Really? You’re gonna prescribe me medical marijuana?"

DR. DISCHORD
*writing* "Yes. I think the cannabis plant can really help you. We’ll start you off slow, with some low-dose RSO tablets, and we’ll see how you react to it. Hopefully it will help you with your anxiety, as well as take the edge off of some of your psychotic episodes." *hands Anjie a paper* "Here you go!"

AK-47
"What the fuck?!"

ANJIE
*ecstatic* "Sweet!" *strikes a victory pose*

(FIN: ACT 1)

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Tags: Stories, Anjie's Universe