Content Warning: contains some strong language & references to drugs.

SCENE ONE

Scene: 1 (IN THE LIVING ROOM OF ANJIE'S HOME, MORNING TIME)

LYDIA

*on the phone* "I don't know how many times I've tried to tell you those drapes would clash with that wallpaper, Joanne... I know it's a disaster, but it's nothing I cannot fix if only you'll listen to my advice... not today, it's the twins' birthday today. Yes, it's a very big day, they're both turning 18. Can you believe it? My babies, both 18 years old already. Oh how time flies."

(ANJIE ENTERS THE LIVING ROOM YAWNING STILL WEARING HER PAJAMAS AND WITH A BIT OF A BED-HEAD. LYDIA SMILES WARMLY WHEN SHE SEES HER.)

LYDIA

*turns the phone away from her mouth to whisper to Anjie* "Good morning, sweetheart. There's coffee in the kitchen."

ANJIE

*gives a thumbs-up and stumbles into the kitchen*

LYDIA

"No, we haven't told them yet... we'll break the news to them this afternoon."

ANJIE, THINKING

'Happy Birthday to me, happy birthday to me... I really need some coffee, which cup will I use? Oooh nice, this one's clean.' *gently pours coffee into a mug* 'Yeah, I think it's french roast. And the perfect temperature, not too hot... So this is what it's like to be 18. It doesn't really feel any different, but now I can... let's see, I can vote, I can buy a house... join the military, yuck... oooh, I can get married. To Lucille Marie! Oh, sweet Lucille Marie... sweeter than this sugar I'm currently putting into my coffee. I cannot WAIT to drink this coffee... it could use a shot of spiced rum, actually. It IS my birthday, after all... but, I don't feel like looking for it. Oh, I think I can gamble now, too. That'll be fun. Not much fun without Morris, though, and he won't turn 18 until August. I bet we can get him a fake ID. I wonder—'

(ANJIE DRAMATICALLY SPITS OUT HER COFFEE AFTER THE FIRST SIP)

ANJIE

"What the FUCK?! Salt?!" *coughs and retches*

AK-47

*jumps forward from out of nowhere* "APRIL FOOLS!! Ha ha ha!"

ANJIE

"AK!! You switched the sugar with salt?! That's disgusting! It's my birthday too, yanno, but I don't see you celebrating THAT." *dumps coffee into the sink*

AK-47

"C'mon, Anjie! Let's go paint the town! Red! Literally!"

ANJIE

"Ugh, I HATE having a birthday on April Fool's Day. What a drag."

AK-47

"Ooooh, cute pajamas! Is that a Princess Dippy-Doo onesie?"

ANJIE

*brushes some dust off her shoulder* "As a matter of fact, yes. I happen to love that show, I don't care if it's for kids."

AK-47

"Oh, I know. We love it too!"

ANJIE

"Shut up. You do not."

(THE DOORBELL RINGS)

AK-47

"No, we really do like a lot of the same stuff! Snacky Wacks, Munchie Moos, Tast-ee Cakes, Doop Cola-"

ANJIE

"My favorite snacks. Now you're just making me hungry."

AK-47

"How about The Incredible Sulk?"

ANJIE

"Hands off my favorite superheroine!"

AK-47

"Sally and the Deadly Nightshades?"

ANJIE

"Great band, totally underrated. Probably my favorite band."

AK-47

"The Overtaker?"

ANJIE

"Greatest wrestler of all time! Definitely my favorite."

AK-47

"But we don't like Morris. He smells like corn."

ANJIE

*scoffs* "What?! He does NOT smell like corn! So you like all my favorite things, but you hate my favorite friend? That's lame."

LYDIA

*calling from the living room* "Anjie... door's for you."

ANJIE

"Huh? Who would be here for ME this early in the morning?"

AK-47

"Maybe it's Prad Bitt. Or Bustin Jieber."

ANJIE

"Shut up." *walks into the living room*

(ANJIE OPENS THE FRONT DOOR TO FIND A GIANT SPOTTED EGG SITTING ON THE DOORSTEP. NEXT TO IT IS A NOTECARD WHICH ANJIE PICKS UP AND READS.)

ANJIE

"What's this? 'For Anjie - Enjoy!'. It doesn't even say who it's from." *drags the egg into the middle of the living room and stares at it* "What am I supposed to do with it now, make a giant omelette?" *presses her ear against the shell*

LYDIA

*approaches holding a mug of coffee* "What is it, honey?"

ANJIE

"It's an egg. I think there's something inside it, I can hear it moving. Maybe it's a... dinosaur egg?"

LYDIA

"Well, who sent it?" *inspects the notecard*

ANJIE

"It doesn't say. It just says it's for me. Now what?"

LYDIA

"Place it in the corner over there, next to the piano. Put a blanket around the base. Maybe we'll see if it hatches." *takes a sip of coffee and immediately spits it back into the mug* "Ugh, salt?! Anjie??"

ANJIE

"Yeah, Aaron switched the sugar with salt as an April Fool's joke. I hadn't dumped it out yet."

LYDIA

"Oh, for heaven's sake." *rolls eyes* "What a rascal."

AK-47

"It could be a dino-yoshi, just like in those Fario Brothers videogames!"

ANJIE

"Maybe it's a dino-yoshi. You know, like in those Fario Brothers videogames."

AK-47

"Or a giant chicken!"

LYDIA

"Or a giant chicken, perhaps."

ANJIE

"Good guess, Ma."

LYDIA

"I suppose we'll just have to find out. Anjie, I'm going to make a quick run to the store to make sure we have everything we need for our party later on. Would you like to come with me?"

ANJIE

"Sure."

LYDIA

"Alright, go get dressed, and we'll leave in ten minutes. Remind me to pick up some flowers while we're there. You get to pick them."

ANJIE

"Okay, sounds good, Ma."

LYDIA

"And, Anjie?"

ANJIE

"Yeah, Ma?"

LYDIA

"...Happy 18th Birthday, sweetheart. I love you."

ANJIE

*smiles* "Thanks, Ma. I love you too. I'll go get dressed now." *exits upstairs*

SCENE TWO

Scene: 2 (IN THE LIVING ROOM OF ANJIE'S HOME, AFTERNOON TIME.)

WALTER

"Happy Birthday, twins!"

(THE ENTIRE ZEALAND FAMILY IS SEATED ON THE COUCHES WEARING PARTY HATS AMIDST A ROOM DECORATED WITH BALLOONS AND ANJIE'S FAVORITE FLOWERS, YELLOW ROSES. BOTH ANJIE AND AARON HOLD RECTANGULAR GIFTBOXES IN THEIR LAPS, BUT ANJIE'S PRESENT IS CLEARLY SMALLER THAN AARON'S PRESENT. LYDIA TAKES A PICTURE OF THEM BOTH WITH HER CAMERA, AND THEY ARE RELIEVED TO RELEASE THEIR POSES.)

LYDIA

"Oh, what a lovely picture of you two. Okay, now go ahead and open your presents! Aaron, you go first."

AARON

*unwraps his gift and exclaims excitedly* "A new Krapple laptop! Awesome!"

LYDIA

"It's one of those touch-screen ones. I expect you to take lots of notes with it when you go to college. Don't just pawn it away."

AARON

"Thanks, Mom and Dad!"

ANJIE

*grimaces silently at Aaron*

LYDIA

"Anjie..."

ANJIE

"Hmm?" *perks up at attention*

LYDIA

"Go ahead and open your present, sweetheart."

ANJIE

*unwraps her gift and stares blankly at it* "It's... a necklace... This has got to be a joke. Please tell me this is a joke, Mom."

LYDIA

"Of course it's not a joke, pumpkin-"

ANJIE

"How in the hell is a NECKLACE supposed to help me succeed in life? Am I supposed to sell it and go to college with THAT? Is this chain even real gold? Is this pendant made of diamond?!"

LYDIA

"Anjie... your father and I have something important to tell you. You were actually FOUND as a baby on the day that Aaron was born, and the only item found along with you... was THAT necklace."

ANJIE & AARON IN UNISON

"WHAT?!"

WALTER

"It's true, twins. You aren't biologically related to each other, but when we decided to adopt Anjie we thought it would be best to raise you two as brother and sister. We wanted to give you time to bond."

ANJIE

"Time to bond?! Is that what you guys are calling your decision to LIE to us for 18 years?"

AARON

"I was RIGHT! You WERE dropped off on our doorstep as a baby, I just KNEW it!"

ANJIE

"Shut up!"

LYDIA

"Not our doorstep... the hospital's doorstep."

ANJIE

"I was dumped on the doorstep of Allswell hospital as a baby?!"

LYDIA

"The nurse who found you brought you to our personal physician, Dr. Harmon. He suggested putting you up for adoption, so Walter and I—"

ANJIE

"Wait, Dr. Harmon KNEW all along?!"

AK-47

"Ohhhhhh snap!"

ANJIE

*distraught* "This can't be happening, this can't be real. This has got to be a hallucination. All this time I thought you were my parents... I couldn't understand why I just didn't fit into this family, and now I finally know... Wait. This can't be real. You guys ARE my real parents."

LYDIA

"This is real, pumpkin, and we will ALWAYS be your parents."

WALTER

"We may not be biologically related, but we will always love you as our daughter, JiJi."

ANJIE

"If you guys loved me, you would have told me this stuff sooner. I just can't believe... I'm ADOPTED? And you're not my real parents. Oh my gawd, you guys aren't my real parents! And you-" *points finger directly at Aaron* "You're just another asshole making my life a hellscape. I'm not related to you at all." *punches Aaron in the jaw*

LYDIA & WALTER IN UNISON

"ANJIE!"

(THE GIANT SPOTTED EGG SHAKES A BIT, CAUSING THE ENTIRE FAMILY TO GLANCE AT IT. THEN IT STOPS AND THEY CONTINUE TALKING AMONGST THEMSELVES.)

LYDIA

"How could you do such a thing, Anjie?"

WALTER

*points at the egg* "Where did that come from?"

LYDIA

"He's your brother, Anjie."

ANJIE

"No he's not! He's a junkie with good grades and he hates me!"

LYDIA

"Aaron is NOT a junkie, that was only a phase, but he's done with it now."

ANJIE

"HE HIDES HIS NEEDLES IN A SECRET POCKET HE SEWED TO THE INSIDES OF HIS PANTS."

AARON

*appearing agitated yet sheepish* "Shut up!"

LYDIA

"Anjie, that's enough! We love you!"

ANJIE

"Love me? You guys have lost me in the grocery store EVERY YEAR since I was five years old! When I lose my phone charger you guys just tell me I "didn't value it enough". Am I to conclude that you guys keep losing me because I'm not valuable enough to you?"

LYDIA

*begins to sob*

AARON

"You made my mom cry, you bitch!" *lunges after Anjie*

WALTER

"Hey, hey, hey! You two, stop it!" *breaks them up* "We're a family!"

ANJIE

"I hate this place! This family sucks hardcore! I'm leaving!"

WALTER

"Anjie, where are you going?"

ANJIE

*impertinently* "I'm going to find my REAL family! And then, I'm MOVING FAR AWAY from all of you guys! So... goodbye!" *angrily exits via the front door*

SCENE THREE

Scene: 3 (ABOARD THE BUS 9C)

BUS DRIVER

"Transfer?"

ANJIE

"Yes, please." *accepts ticket and takes a seat by herself*

ANJIE, THINKING

'What a fucking mess my life is. Dropped off on the hospital doorstep as a baby? I thought that kinda stuff happened in the olden days... who does that these days, though? Did my real parents know I was sick when I was born? That would explain a lot... But why would they leave me with a necklace, of all things? They could have left me with a note, or some sort of message... but they left me with a shiny rock instead. What am I supposed to make of this? Did it... did it BELONG to one of my parents? I wonder if it's worth anything... hmmm, it sure is pretty, actually. It's almost glowing, now that I'm looking at it. But it's still no replacement for my real parents.'

(ANJIE'S PHONE RINGS AND SHE ANSWERS IT.)

ANJIE

*halfheartedly* "Hello?"

VOICE

"Anjie? Hey, remember me?"

ANJIE

"I sure do, Mr. Reckitter." *rolls eyes*

MR. RECKITTER

"Well, I'm calling 'cause I wanna give you your old job back."

ANJIE

"What?"

MR. RECKITTER

"Yeah, and it comes with a pay raise, too."

ANJIE

*happy excited* "Oh my gawd! REALLY?!"

MR. RECKITTER

"...NO! Bah-hahahahahaha! Of course not, we're all glad you're gone! April Fools, New Zealand!" *click and dial tone*

ANJIE

*glaring at her phone* "What an asshole." *sighs heavily*

ANJIE, THINKING

'Every year, it's always bad April Fools jokes instead of great birthday wishes. I just want to be happy to be alive, but I can't even manage that one day a year! And I thought life was difficult BEFORE all of this family revelation stuff... wait, maybe it's all just a horrible April Fool's joke?'

BUS DRIVER

"Next stop is The Mall, folks."

ANJIE, THINKING

'That's my stop... Jeez, what a way to spend your 18th birthday, running away to the mall to cry on my best friend's shoulder... I just couldn't stay inside that house for one second longer. How could they just LIE to me and Aaron for so many years? I wonder... I wonder, where do I belong now?'

(ANJIE, VISIBLY BROODING, EXITS THE 9C BUS WITH HER HANDS DEEP IN HER POCKETS.)

SCENE FOUR

Scene: 4 (INSIDE THE MALL, AT THE BLACK RAINBOW PRINT SHOP)

ANJIE

*hears her phone chime* "Oh for fuck's sake, who's texting me now?"

(ANJIE LOOKS AT HER PHONE AND SEES SHE HAS A MESSAGE FROM FREAKY KITTY SAYING: "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CUNT". AT FIRST SHE SCOFFS, THEN SMILES AND TEXTS BACK: "THANKS, YA SCARY BITCH". INSIDE THE PRINT SHOP ANJIE FINDS MORRIS WORKING AND GREETS HIM.)

MORRIS

"Hey there, Jee! What're you doin' here, I thought you was with your family?"

ANJIE

"It was horrible, Morris. They're NOT my family. I was adopted."

MORRIS

"Say WHUUUUUTT??!"

ANJIE

"I was found at the hospital as a baby on the same night Aaron was born, so they raised us as twins. But I'm not biologically related to any of them."

MORRIS

"And they're telling you this NOW, 18 years later? Why?"

ANJIE

"Because they-" *makes air quotes* "-'wanted to give us time to bond'. No idea who my real parents are."

MORRIS

"That suchs hardcore, Jee. Whoa. I can't even imagine how I'd feel if I found that out about my family."

ANJIE

"I'm doomed, Mor-Mor. My life is officially a horror show now. I'm going to end up in the loony bin. I'm alone in the world."

MORRIS

"Naw, Jee, that ain't true. You've got me, and my family. Family don't have to mean 'biologically related', yanno..."

ANJIE

"But family DOES mean being honest with each other, right? I mean, I've always known my family sucked, but at least... at least I thought they WERE my family. Now I don't know what to think. What if everything turns out to not be really true? What if all of this is a dream, and I'm in the loony bin already?" *begins to sob*

MORRIS

"Hey- hey now, Jee, don't you worry like that. This is real, okay? I've got your back, and I always will. You gonna be all-right, no matter what- don't you forget that."

VOICE

"Have you finished that stack of t-shirts yet, Morris?"

MORRIS

"Almost, but not yet, Miss Blanconoir. I'll get back on it."

(ANJIE IS SHOCKED TO SEE MORRIS'S BOSS LOOKS JUST LIKE BLACK RAINBOW, FANTAZMALAND'S MONOCHROMATIC ASSASSAIN.)

ANJIE

"Whoa... major déjà vu."

MORRIS

"Just chill here for a few minutes, I'll finish this job real quick then we'll go grab us some lunch. I'll buy."

ANJIE

"Okay. Thanks, Mo-Mo." *deep sigh*

MORRIS

*to a customer* "Hi ma'am, how are you today? Can I help you with anything?"

CUSTOMER

"Yes, I was wondering- Oh NO!"

(ANJIE LOOKS OVER JUST IN TIME TO SEE THE CUSTOMER DROP THEIR LIDLESS SOFTDRINK, BUT IT SLOWS AND STOPS IN MID-AIR RIGHT BEFORE IT HITS THE GROUND. AFTER NOTICING THAT EVERYTHING HAS FROZEN IN TIME EXCEPT FOR HERSELF, ANJIE FINDS A GLOWING DOORWAY AND OPENS IT, ENTERING FANTAZMALAND BY WALKING THROUGH IT. SHE FINDS HERSELF IN THE MIDST OF A SURPRISE PARTY CONSISTING OF HER MANY VARIOUS PERSONALITIES.)

AK-47 & COMPANY, IN UNISON

"SURPRISE, ANJIE!"

ANJIE

*annoyed* "Aww, what the hell?! I don't need this right now, you guys! Today is horrible enough."

AK-47

"We just wanted to cheer you up with a party, Anjie."

ANJIE

"NO! No more parties! No more time-freezing blackouts I wake up from hours later, or ridiculous hallucinations trying to get my attention. It's OVER!"

AK-47

"But we actually froze time for you, Anjers. All of this is happening at once. You can go home anytime you want, and reality will be there just like you left it. The drink hasn't even hit the floor yet."

ANJIE

"...Really?"

AK-47

"Really, really."

ANJIE

"I can just... leave Fantazmaland and go back to the real world ANYTIME I want, and no time will have passed there? You guys won't stop me?"

AK-47

*shaking head emphatically* "That's right! That's your birthday present, Anjie! Well, your main birthday present, anyways. Some of us got you some extra gifts." *gestures to a mountain of wrapped presents* "...But we totally understand if you want to go home now."

ANJIE

"I... I don't even have a home in the real world to go to anymore. It's crazy that I feel this way, but... I'd actually like to stay here for a little while. I could use a break from reality... just for today."

AK-47

"AWESOME! So, uhh... you wanna snort some ion crystals and surf on the rings of Saturn 2 before unwrapping all these gifts?"

ANJIE

"Hell yeah! Wait... Saturn 2?"

AK-47

"It's like the first Saturn- you know, the one in this solar system- but it's 500 times bigger and it's entirely made of ICE. It's basically the best skating rink in the galaxy."

ANJIE

"Sounds chilly."

AK-47

"The drugs will keep us warm, that's why we're going somewhere cold. C'mon, let's go- adventure awaits!!"

(AK-47 OPENS A GLOWING DOORWAY IN A TREE AND ENTERS IT ALONG WITH ANJIE, CLOSING IT BEHIND THEM. BACK IN THE REAL WORLD, ANJIE SITS IN THE MIDST OF A SNAPSHOT OF TIME STILL FROZEN IN PLACE AROUND HER. IN AN INSTANT TIME UNFREEZES AND THE SOFTDRINK HITS THE GROUND WITH A THUD, JOLTING ANJIE BACK INTO REALITY.)

CUSTOMER

"I'm so sorry!"

MORRIS

"No worries, ma'am, we'll get that cleaned up right quick. Hey, Jee! Would ya grab me some paper towels from the shelf in the back?"

ANJIE

"Oh, yeah! I'll be right there."

(ANJIE CROSSES THE ROOM AND EXAMINES A SUPPLY SHELF. AS SHE TAKES THE PAPER TOWEL ROLL, A POSTER OF THE PLANET SATURN ON THE WALL BECOMES APPARENT TO HER. SHE PAUSES TO LOOK AT IT, THEN SMILES WISTFULLY, RECALLING HER BIRTHDAY ADVENTURES WITH ONE OF HER MOST UNRULY ALTER-EGOS.)

ANJIE, THINKING

'Saturn 2 really was amazing... regardless of whether it was real or not.'

(FIN: ACT 5)

~Purchase the Act 5 ebook HERE~

Next in Anjie's Universe: Act 6 [When Cray-Cray Collides]