The past couple months have been difficult. Things are still difficult, but have improved. I hate that I still very much miss him and as much as I try not to, I still think of him. The old him, the one I fell in love with, not the new shitheaded him. But I'm taking things one day at a time, and I'm not planning for the future anymore. Whatever happens, happens, and it evidently happens regardless of what I do. So I just spend my free time doing things that bring me whatever enjoyment I can get out of this world: reading manga, tinkering on the computer, listening to blues music, playing videogames, spending time with Medusa, sleeping, daydreaming about living in a universe that actually makes me happy, things like that. Life feels very different now that another veil has been lifted & now that I know I will never fall in love again. I'm not even interested in friendship anymore, either. I stopped taking my antidepressants after the breakup, but I'll be resuming that regimen again soon because as much as I loathe the idea of being drugged up for the rest of my life on a substance I can't grow for the sake of fitting into society, everyday life is just too unbearable without those chemicals in my brain (and besides, I'll have to take bloodthinners for the rest of my life too, so I might as well get used to chemical dependency anyways). I have no idea what the future will hold, but I am certain I will never fully trust anything good that happens ever again. I've heard that someone said that it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but honestly in my experience I feel like both of those outcomes are equally terrible in their own respective ways. We're in the age of Kali Yuga, and I feel it very deeply. I will respond accordingly.
